Why We Bleed: What Loss Can Teach Us

When sorrow hits us it often feels like a ton of bricks raining down upon us. The bricks wipe out everything we thought we knew and not only that, but the ground also shifts, and we can’t find where to put our feet. Our earth, that solid foundation we have stood on forever has vanished in an instant.

When grief rips us apart we have nowhere to turn. There is no safe passage back to where we once lived. There is nothing before us, behind us, to the side of us, underneath us, there is nothing left. We are alone with our deep pain and nothing, absolutely nothing we can think of can change that. We are living with a hell inside us that will not budge.

Many times when I work with couples I hear them wishing they felt better. I feel their discomfort when they tell me about their partner and how they don’t feel loved. I empathize with the individuals who tell me how unhappy they are about feeling distant in their relationship.

These feelings are pretty common. And there are reasons why. When we fall in love with our special person everything feels better than it’s ever felt. We fall in love with that feeling and we hunger for it when it goes away.

When we meet our special person, most of us fall into believing that since we have found them, that’s all we need. Everything will be right from here on out because we are with our perfect mate. Most of us start our relationships this way. And then we realize that the perfect person is not enough to sustain our happiness.

And believe it or not, this is normal. It happens in almost all relationships. So what do we have to do to make our relationship last, even though sometimes we don’t always feel great about it? I believe we need to grow our relationship muscles.

When we fall in love with our person we pretty much land in a wonderful place full of possibilities and promise that leads us to wanting more of this great feeling we are both sharing with each other. Falling in love is one of the most miraculous things we do as humans.

So why, after finding our person do we spend so much time trying to understand how they think and act and get frustrated in the process? Sometimes it can even feel as if we are partnered with someone we just don’t get. “Why do they do things the way they do?” We might be asking our self this question. Or, “Who thinks like that?” When we ask these questions we are not sure about our mate. They are so different we just don’t understand them.

Having an argument with the person we love is one of the most difficult events we can go through in a relationship. When we are not upset, our special person is our favorite individual. We love them. When we get our feelings hurt, or we get misunderstood or get angry at them, they turn from our loving soulmate to someone we war with.

And when we get pulled into an argument with our loved one it doesn’t matter what came before the argument. It doesn’t matter that we get along most of the time. It doesn’t matter that we had a great day just a few minutes before. All that matters is that we are hurt, feel unloved and now we are MAD!

Wonder how to stop arguing? If you have nothing to say that will help things, sometimes the best medicine is to remove yourself from the situation until you have some time to cool down and think.

Have you ever been so mad at your mate that you just can’t get yourself to talk with them? You know it’s not right that you refuse to tell them what is going on but there is something inside you that will just not budge. No matter what your thoughts are or what they are saying to you, you remain tight-lipped and silent.

I was thinking about acceptance the other day and was realizing that this is a practice that might take a long time to get good at, especially when we are talking about relationships. You see, all of us pretty much like who we are. We like how we think, how we behave and act. We like our ways.

And many of us get really perturbed when our partner doesn’t agree with us. They might do something different than what we learned growing up. Or they might like something arranged differently then how we prefer. They might even say things we would never say.

I don’t know anyone who is not feeling greater stress during this time of year. Even terrific moments with people we love can cause us stress, and that’s if family and extended family are individuals we WANT to see. It’s even more stressful if we are acting out of obligation.

Whatever your circumstances, it’s probably likely there will be at least a few people who drive us up a wall and cause us enormous stress. Welcome to the holidays. Not to mention the numerous details; buying gifts, decorating, baking, cooking sending cards, and trying to be a loving person on top of all that.

I’m stressed just writing about it. Let’s just acknowledge it; Holidays are HARD! And they can be much harder if you turn on the one person who is your rock 90 percent of the time, your partner. Think right now what a good team you make during a crisis. Now ask yourself if you are pulling your hair out and fighting more than usual with your mate?

While self-soothing is an important skill to have, not every one knows how to practice it. Even so, anyone can develop it. That’s important because using self-soothing skills can not only improve your life, they can also enhance your relationship.

I was recalling a conversation I had recently with a friend who was sad about a situation in her relationship. I was feeling the depth of her suffering, her pain at not being understood or left out or feeling ignored. I wasn’t exactly sure what she was experiencing, but I did sense that she was very sad.

Wondering how to stop arguing with your spouse? You’re not alone.

Couples often tell me they are so tired of having continuous arguments about the same thing with the person they love. They say those arguments always end up the same way, both people exhausted and nothing gets resolved. They want to fix the problem but they just don’t know how.

This is a very common problem for people in relationships and marriages. So why does this pattern occur? Let me explain.

Tag Archives: therapy

Why We Bleed: What Loss Can Teach Us

Feeling Distant in a Relationship? Love Comes from Within

Hurt Feelings and Growth in Your Relationship

Why Understanding in a Relationship is Hard to Come By

Why I Feel So Lonely After an Argument

How to Stop Arguing with My Spouse, Boyfriend, or Girlfriend

Accepting Differences Between You and Your Partner

Lean on Your Partner to make it Through the Holidays

Self-Soothing for Healthier, Happier Relationships

How to Stop Arguing with Your Spouse or Partner