Wonder how to stop arguing? If you have nothing to say that will help things, sometimes the best medicine is to remove yourself from the situation until you have some time to cool down and think.
Have you ever been so mad at your mate that you just can’t get yourself to talk with them? You know it’s not right that you refuse to tell them what is going on but there is something inside you that will just not budge. No matter what your thoughts are or what they are saying to you, you remain tight-lipped and silent.
How to Stop Arguing: Tip #1. When You’re too Mad to Talk… Don’t.
I’ve been there and it’s no fun. It’s probably not fun for your mate either, but that’s for later on. Right now let’s just talk about what happens to us when we are unable to communicate. And it’s a problem that a lot of people encounter so you are not alone, but that doesn’t mean we are the same.
Every one of us is wired differently. We feel what we feel and we process how we process and think what we think, all of it different from every human being on the planet. So if I get my feelings hurt and my partner can’t understand why this happens, there are many good reasons why, but the bottom line is very simple. We are different.
How to Stop Arguing: Tip #2. Don’t Criticize in the Heat of the Moment
So if my feelings get hurt and I am not sure what I need from my partner and I am swallowed by my feelings, I know that what ever comes out of my mouth will not reflect my true need, it will probably indicate my bother or pain, and that sounds pretty bad. Pain or bother often sounds like, “Why did you do this to me?”
I know enough about my relationship to know that an expression like that is not helpful. He feels criticized and starts to defend himself or he begins to criticize me and then we are off into something even more difficult. So I know enough when my feelings get hurt to not start something from that very raw place. I have graduated to a better place.
How to Stop Arguing: Tip #3. Work Around Your Personal Coping Mechanisms
But what I can’t do is explain to him what I need in that moment when my feelings are upset, so sometimes I leave. And maybe that’s the best I can do, leave, to give myself time to figure out what happened to me and what I need. So this last disruption where I couldn’t sort out what was happening I did leave and drove away in my car and went into my office and sat.
I thought about what happened, took care of myself and when I was ready I called my partner to begin the healing with him.
You might read this and say that’s pretty good, or you might say, gosh that’s a lot of difficulty and for some people it probably is. For me though, and for how I used to be wired, this is a vast improvement. I didn’t yell or take anybody’s head off. I left saying, “I can’t talk to you now, and I am going to my office.”
Strive to Improve
It’s almost done well, except I didn’t tell you that I was pretty huffy when I said those words and when I calmed down I knew instantly I had to apologize for the way I said them as I was leaving. It’s one thing to leave. It’s a very different thing to leave gracefully. And maybe that’s where I am headed; from yelling, to leaving in a huff, to grace.
We are all on a journey. Notice what you do when your feelings get hurt. Be on your road to becoming the best you. I’m still working on me. You can work on you too.
How to Stop Arguing and Make up Quickly and Lovingly
Read a Book About Productive Communication in Relationships
Can’t make it on Monday? Read all about how you can stop arguing, find the words or time you need, and communicate more lovingly in Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you end standoffs faster and more peacefully. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help with learning how to stop arguing or shutting down. It’ll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help in times of argument.