Feeling disconnected or distant in a relationship is common, sad, and painful. Fortunately, it’s a situation that many can overcome!
Many times when I work with couples I hear them wishing they felt better. I feel their discomfort when they tell me about their partner and how they don’t feel loved. I empathize with the individuals who tell me how unhappy they are about feeling distant in their relationship.
These feelings are pretty common. And there are reasons why. When we fall in love with our special person everything feels better than it’s ever felt. We fall in love with that feeling and we hunger for it when it goes away.
Feeling Distant in a Relationship Doesn’t Mean Our Partners No Longer Love Us
We then start to believe that our partner’s have changed. It feels they just don’t love us anymore, at least not the way they used to. This is pretty common too. Then there is the distance that develops between two people when they don’t feel that amazing closeness anymore. And that’s when the difficulty starts. People might begin to blame their partner for this or they might take it personally and blame themselves.
It’s pretty hard to live with someone in a relationship that we thought was the answer to our life and feel distant, or even unloved. And yet, many, many couples find themselves in this arrangement.
Awareness Can Help Us Feel Less Distant in Our Relationships
I believe what helps is to gain some awareness of the state of being human. We all feel something about just about everything in our life. Sometimes we feel good feelings like love or joy. Sometimes we feel hard feelings like anger or sadness. And sometimes we worry or are afraid.
These are the feelings that are pretty much inside every human. We can feel one or more then one of these states at anytime. That’s normal. Realizing how your feelings impact those around you might help though. If you are feeling angry, everyone around you can feel it too. If you are feeling sad, your partner can feel that as well. Feeling distant in a relationship is no different.
Empathy Helps Bridge the Gulf Between You and Your Loved One
So here’s what helps. Understand what feeling you are experiencing because it is probably a given that your partner is feeling it too. Why not think about this concept another way. When your partner is happy, don’t you feel happy too? Our feelings become mirrored by our partner. You might have also felt that when your partner is in a bad mood you get into a bad mood too.
If this has happened you can see it’s really not what we are thinking, it’s more what are we feeling. To change a feeling what would it be like if we began to feel loving? What would happen to your partner if he or she felt your loving energy? Do you think they would feel lighter too and more loving?
Love That Springs from Within Springs Eternal After All
Good feelings start inside us. They don’t live inside our mate. Here’s what I mean. We have this climbing plant that hugs one side of the garage. We had our home tented a while ago—termites—and the plant got gassed ☹. I was worried about the vine, but an expert told me he thought the plant would survive.
And here it is two years later and yes, Ariel, (that’s what I named her) is thriving. She is coming back. And yesterday when I was walking by her I saw a beautiful white flower. I felt such gratitude for this plant that in an instant I just tipped my head toward the flower and gently kissed it.
That feeling of happiness for the plants well being came from inside my heart. Your heart beats the same. Your good feelings live inside you. Why don’t you be the one who turns a situation into something wonderful. We can all do this. You can too.
Close the Gap and Stop Feeling Distant in Your Relationship
Read a Book About Relationships
Can’t make it on Monday? Learn better tricks for communication and loving awareness, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you feel less distant, and more connected than ever. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.
I’m interested in attending the meeting on Monday, but I don’t think my spouse will want to join me. Is it for couples, or can I attend solo?