Wondering how to stop arguing with your spouse or partner? You’re not alone.
Couples often tell me they are so tired of having continuous arguments about the same thing with the person they love. They say those arguments always end up the same way, both people exhausted and nothing gets resolved. They want to fix the problem but they just don’t know how.
This is a very common problem for people in relationships and marriages. So why does this pattern occur? Let me explain.
To Stop Arguing with Your Spouse, You Must First Understand Why You’re Arguing
First it’s important to understand the dynamics between a couple and how different this is than any other relationship. If you look at other relationships in your life; work, family, friends, it’s probably safe to say you don’t argue to the extent you do with your beloved.
So why is your special person the one you will go to town with to win an argument? I believe we argue because we don’t feel heard. Even as I write this it really sounds counter-intuitive. You would think that if we want to be heard and understood we would speak softly and carefully and consider how we come across because it’s so important to us. But that’s not the case.
What We Do When We’re Arguing with Our Loved Ones
When we feel left out or dismissed or misunderstood, if we are in a relationship where this happens a lot then we just might find ourselves fighting to be heard. We might raise our voice and talk louder than our mate just to make sure they can hear us. Unfortunately your beloved is probably feeling the same way in the relationship; left out, dismissed or misunderstood. And they are trying to do the same thing as you, talking loudly so you will hear them.
And when we are going toe to tow with our partner or spouse we are listening at a fast clip to what they say just long enough to form our next rebuttal to what they have just said. And you also know they are doing the same thing to you. This is a no-win-cycle.
To Stop Arguing, Stop Focusing on “Winning”
To get something better you have to give up the idea of “winning” the argument. It works best if both of you agree. But if you can’t get your partner to go along with this idea, you can try it alone.
The next time you are in an argument try hearing yourself go though the motions of preparing for battle. Watch as you listen and wait for the next opening to get your point across. See what kind of stance you take. Are you one that brings out the kitchen sink every time you fight? Do you bring up old hurts from unresolved fights over the last year or several years ago? You might find yourself piling on hurt after hurt and there’s no way for your mate to crawl out from underneath all those attacks.
Stop, Collaborate, and Listen to Reconnect with Your Spouse
What you and your partner want to learn to do is hear each other. You can’t do this at the same time though. One person has to go first. One person, maybe the one who is reading this article will say to themselves, I really want to be right and win this argument, but even more than that I want to be close to the person I love. I know my partner has something important to tell me. I will listen, fully. When my mate feels heard and really gets that I understand him or her, then and only then will I ask if they are able to hear me before I speak.
If it feels like your partner wins because they get to talk first, make a pact where you switch each time. Figure out a better way to disagree. Everyone wants their special person to understand what they think. When our partner hears us we know we matter to them, and that’s the most awesome feeling in the world.
Find a way to honor what each of you hold most dear, and that might be the way you think.
Need a Helping Hand to Stop Arguing with Your Spouse?
Read a Book with Communication Tips to Help You Stop Arguing with Your Spouse
Can’t make it on Monday? You can learn more about how to communicate peacefully in your relationship by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It’s full of relationship advice, including tips on how to focus on meeting each other’s needs in a non-confrontational way. It might just help you fight less and love more.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.