Letting go of pain in relationships isn’t easy.
It’s hard to let go when we get our feelings hurt, especially if it’s our partner doing the wounding. It is not uncommon for many of us to get our feelings hurt and not be able to talk about it. Sometimes the pain and discomfort can even make someone stop talking for days.
This is serious, especially for the person who feels the hurt. He or she is suffering. And it feels terrible. Many couples have one or more people who have this pattern and it’s just painful for both.
We sometimes meet people who are very uncomfortable with their life. Something is going wrong, and they are frustrated and unhappy. As a counselor, this is particularly hard when I encounter a couple and one person just wishes that the situation were different.
This is very human and very common. When most of us don’t like something, we do things to change what we are experiencing. This is a habit most of us have just by growing up and taking care of our lives.
But when there is no way to change a situation, what do you do? It’s like trying to move a brick wall. How hard is that? Impossible.
Most of us if we are in a relationship often feel that our partner does things that hurt us. I know I have been in this position too many times to count. But I know in my heart of hearts that my partner loves me. I mean he really loves me.
And I bet that in your tender moments, if you look at your partner, you will tell yourself the same thing: “My partner loves me too.”
But when we get our feelings hurt, we forget that we are loved and instead feel unwanted. When we get upset, we put a protective layer around our heart and maybe lash out or pull our feelings inside ourselves and feel terrible. We try to defend ourselves when we get hurt. It’s only natural.
Sometimes in relationships we find ourselves in certain patterns. Let’s say you are very aware of what is not working well in the relationship and you let your partner know when something isn’t right. Now add to this how your partner doesn’t even respond or just seems to not be listening no matter how hard and forceful you are telling them.
This is unfortunately common, and it often happens with men and women. Women are sometimes better at describing what is making them uncomfortable. Maybe we learned this from our verbal mothers. Men on the other hand are not as skilled, maybe because they learned from dads who didn’t say much.
Whatever contributed to how we grew up, we still carry patterns from our youth. When those patterns conflict with our partner’s, we have problems. Let’s look at a couple I know.