Hurt feelings arise sooner or later, when two people are close. Most of those feelings come from misunderstandings or oversight. Recognizing this is part of growing close and growing as a person. Here’s how understanding hurt feelings in your relationship can help you get even closer to the one you love.
Hurt Feelings Are Strong, But Your Relationship Is Stronger
When we meet our special person, most of us fall into believing that since we have found them, that’s all we need. Everything will be right from here on out because we are with our perfect mate. Most of us start our relationships this way. And then we realize that the perfect person is not enough to sustain our happiness.
And believe it or not, this is normal. It happens in almost all relationships. So what do we have to do to make our relationship last, even though sometimes we don’t always feel great about it? I believe we need to grow our relationship muscles.
Developing the Emotional Strength and Understanding to Endure Hurt Feelings
These are the fibers we can’t see, but when they increase we feel a whole lot better. I am talking about remembering in some way, in some part of our body, that the person we have chosen to be with really, really loves us. And we have to grow the muscle that tells us this even when our feelings get hurt.
When we get our feelings hurt, especially by the one person in our life who we call our partner, we feel particularly wounded. When we get hurt, some of us even believe our mate hurt us on purpose. This is just how we interact with the world. When something goes wrong, we blame something outside of our selves. This is what I do. I grew up this way.
Your Partner (Usually) Isn’t Hurting Your Feelings On Purpose
In the early stages of our relationship when my husband-to-be would do something or say something and I would feel attacked or misunderstood, I would get really angry at him. I blamed him for saying or doing those things that hurt my feelings. But I don’t do that anymore. I have grown the muscle that tells me, “He loves me. He is not doing these things on purpose to hurt me.”
That doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt anymore, I just try and remember something else that is true. And that could be, if he hurt my feelings it was not intentional. He did not do anything to hurt me on purpose. This is often the case with couples. But the person who gets hurt still feels that something was done to them. This is just a way of seeing the world. When things go wrong, someone or something must have done it.
Coping with Hurt Feelings is a Learned Art
And then there are the people who blame themselves for not doing something better. Instead of blaming others, they blame themselves. This is equally as challenging. It makes the person feel terrible about themselves. So regardless of how you respond to difficulty, is it possible for you to remember that the person you have chosen to be with is the right person? Is it possible for you to believe that they still love you and they don’t want to see you hurt?
This is not automatic for most of us. Just because you read this it will not just occur. But it could begin. You could say to yourself when you get your feelings hurt, “I am mad, and I also know I am loved.” Sounds weird to have two emotions like this at once, and if you can, you will get out of the pain faster and reconnect with your special person easier as well.
Remember That Your Partner Loves You, Even in Times of Conflict, and You Will Be Stronger
Even with the most challenged of couples, when they are in the room with me for a counseling session I will ask each of them if they love their partner, and they always tell me yes.
We can feel fiercely misunderstood. And we can feel deeply loved. We can hold more than one emotion at a time. Grow the muscle. It could prove powerful.
Make Hurt Feelings Less Painful and Less Frequent in Your Relationship
Read a Book About Communicating in Relationships
Can’t make it on Monday? Learn how to communicate more clearly and feel more connected to your partner, by reading Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. The greater understanding between you and your partner might just result in fewer cases of hurt feelings, because your renewed closeness makes their feelings and intentions more clear to you. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.