Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog

When Two People Can’t Hear Each Other

Oftentimes when people are in a relationship and we get our feelings hurt we want, and need our partner to hear us, understand us and empathize.

It’s only natural that we want to be soothed when we get upset. This is what happens when we hold a baby or a puppy, they need to be held when hurt and we oblige.

But sometimes in a relationship two people get hurt. First one has a wound and then tells the other person, but says things in a way that the other person now gets hurt. Two people are now hurt and both are in their pain.

Sometimes in a relationship we aren’t sure about our partner. Do they really love us? Are they going to stay? Do they really mean what they say?

Couples often ask themselves these questions. But where does trust come in? Maybe you say to yourself I will trust you, but you must trust me too.

This sounds equal. We are both in it and can say that if my partner trusts me then I can trust him. But that is really not what trust is about.

All of us dream about being in love with our person. And when we meet the right one, well we plug them into what we want. This is very human.

Sometimes in our relationships we expect our partner to be what we want them to be and if they don’t then we tell them about it. This is common too.

All of us have some idea in our own heads about what we think will make us happy, and we play it out in our relationships. I know I did. When I met my husband-to-be I was sure that my life would be just right.

When we are in a relationship with the person we love it is so easy to misread how they are treating us. We believe that what they do has something to do with us, our behavior and our being. But that is not always the case.

Let’s say your beloved gets angry with you and is harsh with their words. You might think that they are really mad at you and you might lash back, or hold it in or try to escape.

What we do when someone is angry at us has a lot to do with our old habits. This is how we handle large emotions and we have been doing it this way since we learned how as a child.

When couples fight, sometimes there is a lot of anger that gets inflicted on people. Being angry is a secondary emotion. That means it comes second after the first emotion. The first emotion is often pain.

But if you have an angry habit, like I had, I know that there wasn’t someone to take care of your pain when you were little. And as little people if you wanted someone’s attention, well getting mad and yelling about it is a pretty good tactic.

But after you grow up and you are in an adult relationship it doesn’t work as well. That’s when the habit gets dicey and uncomfortable. If you have a pattern of getting mad and exploding, let’s talk. This article is for you.

Many of us lash out at our mates when we get upset. This is a habit or pattern we might have used since childhood. It might have worked then, but I have a feeling your partner is not very crazy about it and wishes it would stop.

I know, I lived this way for years. I would get upset and yell at the person who hurt me. I learned this as a little girl and continued to use it well into my forties.

All couples start out beautifully. Each person loves the other and there is a belief that the amazing union will last forever. But as we all know in a year or two things start to change.

It’s not that we stop loving our mate, it’s just that since our heart is so open, we get hurt when there is a misunderstanding. Sometimes these disagreements can separate us and keep us from connecting. This is pretty common too.

But when there is a mate who feels they have to leave the relationship in order to feel good about themselves well that is another situation entirely.

People in relationships often have differing points of view. This is understandable because in a relationship there are two very different people involved. But when each person stands his or her ground and won’t give an inch and they are both doing this, then it can become a fight. We might even call it a war.

All of us in a relationship want things to go just right. We might have thought about how we would feel when we found our partner and many of us are trying to make everything just perfect, so we can be comfortable.

This is very common with people in relationships. All of us want things the way we want them. And some of us will impose ourselves on the other in order to get it.

Many times, in relationships people ask their partner to try and change their behavior. This happens often where someone likes things done one way and the mate wants it done differently.

It would be just great if everyone in a couple were to say, “Fine, you do it your way and I will do it mine,” without any disagreement. But that is usually not the way humans are wired.

I'm retired.

Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog

When Two People Can’t Hear Each Other

Do You Trust Your Partner?

The Difference Between Attachment and Compassion

How We Misread People

When Anger Takes Over

What to do With Anger

When a Partner Cheats

When Hurt Feelings Make Us Lash Out

Do You Accept Your Mate?

If We Can’t Change Our Partner