The Difference Between Attachment and Compassion


Attachment doesn't always come with compassion...

All of us dream about being in love with our person. And when we meet the right one, well we plug them into what we want. This is very human.

Sometimes in our relationships we expect our partner to be what we want them to be and if they don’t then we tell them about it. This is common too.

We Can’t Build Relationships Around Only One Person’s Needs

Don't be like the selfish, self-obsessed woman pictured; consider your partner too.

All of us have some idea in our own heads about what we think will make us happy, and we play it out in our relationships. I know I did. When I met my husband-to-be I was sure that my life would be just right.

We would be together and he would do what I needed him to do and I would be happy. This is how I entered the relationship. Does this sound familiar? If it does, keep reading.

I tried with everything I had to get him to be just the way I wanted. You see, all of us have some idea of what will make us happy. We might have been thinking about these ideas for a long time too. But the problem arises when there is another person involved.

Practice Compassion by Considering Your Partner’s Needs and Desires

Supporting your partner is part of compassion.

Where in this scenario is consideration for what my partner wants, or needs or desires? There isn’t any. There is only me and my wants and needs and desires.

I didn’t know that my ideas, while great for me, did not include him. They only reflected what I wanted. There was no thinking that I had to include him at all.

So there were fights, disappointments, and difficulties. We went to couples counseling and that’s where I learned that, “Wow, he has his own thoughts and dreams and desires.” There isn’t just me in the relationship, there are two of us and he matters, or should matter.

That’s when I had an “Aha!” moment and realized that he was important to the success of our relationship. Funny how I didn’t see that before. But when I did, I was able to use my compassion to help him achieve what he wanted. And then we became good.

Counseling Can Help Your Both Feel Seen and Cared For

Before, I was attached to my ideas of what the relationship should be. I didn’t even think about this. I just pushed my desires and wants onto him. I was attached to the way I thought and I didn’t have thoughts about him liking or disliking what I was doing.

But after counseling I grew in my compassion to help bring about a good life for the person I love. You see, they want a good life with you. But if you are so fixed in what you want that you can’t give them space to have their own thoughts, well how do you think they will feel about it?

Yeah, it’s like they will feel invisible if you don’t see them. We all are born with compassion. When you hold a baby or a puppy or see something that makes your heart grow, that is your natural compassion. Grow yours. See your attachment to your own thoughts. I am not saying you don’t have your own way of looking at the world, but you do have a great sense of making your beloved feel better. Live in that. It works.

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