All of us in a relationship want things to go just right. We might have thought about how we would feel when we found our partner and many of us are trying to make everything just perfect, so we can be comfortable.
This is very common with people in relationships. All of us want things the way we want them. And some of us will impose ourselves on the other in order to get it.
Growing Up Doesn’t Prepare Everyone for Good Relationships
This is really how humans are wired. We all grow up wanting to be involved with someone we love. We find them and then we push them into a predictable pattern that is our choosing.
But this usually doesn’t work. It would be great if one person could call all the shots in a relationship, but that is usually not the case. There are two of you in this partnership. So how do you and your partner get along?
These were questions I had no answers to when I met my husband to be. I just thought I would always feel great if he would only do what I needed him to do. I did not learn how couples work in my family of origin, because my mother raised us alone.
I did not see two people who loved each other and cared for each other. I just saw my mother struggle and do what she could to raise me and my siblings.
So, when I got into my relationship, I just thought this is what I want. Isn’t that enough? Well, now that I am a counselor and I help couples I can tell you that no, that is not enough.
Acceptance and Sharing Help Curb Resentment
To have peace and calm in your relationship one needs to consider that there are two people to be considered. I had to learn that my mate deserved to think, believe, act and emote his own way. He did not have to do things my way. He already had his own way of understanding and being in life.
So, I had to learn to share the environment. It wasn’t just my environment, it was his too. He had a right to his thoughts and ideas and if I didn’t learn him and his way, he was going to be very unhappy.
I understand wanting things the way we want them, but I know that if you are not able to accept and understand your mate, your partner will become disappointed and possibly resentful and bitter.
The Two of You Can Make it Better Together
I see this in my couples counseling. And I know it is a very hard lesson to learn. But if you can, try and remember that you are not alone in the relationship. Try and think that the one you love, although they think very different from you, deserves to be listened to and understood.
I know you love them. Now accept them for who they are. All of them, even if they make you uncomfortable in parts. It will be the best feeling for them. I promise. Because who doesn’t want to feel totally accepted by the one you love. I know you do. And so does your partner.
Get the Tools for Talking About Differences!
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how to communicate more softly, empathetically, and effectively by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help both of you communicate more kindly and effectively about your differences and help you grow towards deeper love and acceptance. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.