When Anger Takes Over

When anger takes over we may not know what to do with ourselves, like this screaming woman at her wit's end.

When couples fight, sometimes there is a lot of anger that gets inflicted on people. Being angry is a secondary emotion. That means it comes second after the first emotion. The first emotion is often pain.

But if you have an angry habit, like I had, I know that there wasn’t someone to take care of your pain when you were little. And as little people if you wanted someone’s attention, well getting mad and yelling about it is a pretty good tactic.

But after you grow up and you are in an adult relationship it doesn’t work as well. That’s when the habit gets dicey and uncomfortable. If you have a pattern of getting mad and exploding, let’s talk. This article is for you.

We Lash Out Due to Wanting Others to Notice Our Pain

Angry outbursts come from someone wanting others to notice their pain.

I know when you get mad it isn’t because you hate your partner. I know that you got mad because you were hurt and this is your habit to let people know that they hurt you.

I did this for most of my life. I would get mad at the person who hurt me and then yell at them to tell them how they hurt me. What I really wanted was healing, but I didn’t know how to go about getting that.

It’s like an original wound. As children you need to be noticed when your feelings get hurt. But if your caretakers were overwhelmed or unable, well who is there to take care of you? The answer, no one.

And if you had some real pain, well you do want someone to notice, and that’s why people learn to yell. Pain comes first. The anger comes second.

Self-Examination Can Help Out Outgrow Angry Habits

Learning and self-examination can show us what lies beneath our anger and let us pursue new strategies.

I brought my habit into my adult relationship, but my husband-to-be did not grow up in a home like mine and was pretty dismayed when I would blow up when hurt. He just seemed like a deer in headlights wondering what happened.

I couldn’t tell him, because when you have a habit of getting mad at being hurt, you are fused in your pattern. Hurt comes and so does the anger all in one motion. There is no stopping in the pain department and understanding what happened, we go right to the anger as if this happened first.

But after becoming a counselor and understanding psychology I know that pain is the motivator. But to understand the pain, the person with the anger habit has to do something different.

Therapy Can Take Couples From Anger to Compassion and Understanding

Therapy and compassion can help you move out of anger and into healthier patterns.

If we continue to throw up our anger at the one who hurt us, we will never understand what happened to us in the first place. I finally got this notion and started to give myself some time to calm down and then I could actually feel what was happening to me.

It was usually something like, I felt dismissed, rejected or abandoned. I bet you might feel these things too. But when in a relationship with someone who loves you, they will want you to feel better. I know my husband did. He would always say something compassionate to me and that was the beginning of my healing.

If you have an angry habit, I want you to be healed. It takes work, but it is the best work you will ever perform.

Ready to Move On from Anger?

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how to improve communication in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help both of you feel more connected, aligned, and loved. Give it a read.

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Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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