Many of us lash out at our mates when we get upset. This is a habit or pattern we might have used since childhood. It might have worked then, but I have a feeling your partner is not very crazy about it and wishes it would stop.
Our Childhood Anger Habits Don’t Serve Us Well as Adults
I know, I lived this way for years. I would get upset and yell at the person who hurt me. I learned this as a little girl and continued to use it well into my forties.
But after meeting my husband-to-be I somehow realized I needed to let go of this outdated habit. I wasn’t that little girl who needed to get my mother’s attention. I was a grown woman who needed to understand and manage my own feelings.
I know it is a long way from being angry to being calm. I also know that these old habits are something that have been with us for such a long time we might even think they are just a part of us.
Understanding the Pain Beneath Your Anger is the Key to Regaining Control
But I can tell you it is possible to understand ourselves differently and to make different choices. This may sound almost impossible though. It is hard to keep your temper and swallow your habit of reacting. It’s hard to slow down the mind until the anger calms down, and it feels like you are trying to tolerate something that is intolerable.
But ask yourself this, when your anger comes up, are you in control? Are there times where you wish you were not getting mad at your loved one but you do anyway? Does it feel sometimes that you are overpowered by your reactive mind and emotions?
No one who acts out of anger is in control. That is the truth. I know that there is a source of pain underneath the anger that you may not be aware of. So, to unwind your anger habit, we all have to discover what is happening to us.
It requires sitting with a deep pain inside your heart and not reacting when your habit drives you to lose your temper. Then we can face our own vulnerability, over and over and over again.
It’s Never Too Late to Change and Grow
This is a way out of an old habit that keeps you feeling bad about yourself. People who love you want you to be happy. These same people want you to free yourself of the difficulty of getting mad and then exploding.
No one feels good when there is an anger explosion. The person who receives it, not the person who is giving it.
But don’t get swallowed up by forgetting that you are in the midst of change. You want to overcome this old childhood habit. And it is possible. I was angry for 40 years. That was a couple of decades ago. I am no longer an angry person.
I want this for you. Believe that you can achieve something better for your life. I believe it.
Ready to Communicate with Kindness in Your Relationship?
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how to improve communication in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help both of you feel more connected, aligned, and loved. Give it a read.
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Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.