Hi, this is Linda Nusbaum. It's been amazing being able to help everyone for so long, but it's time for me to retire. The site is up for archival purposes, but I've closed my practice.
Thank you.
Getting our partners to make changes is probably one of the hardest parts of being in a relationship. It certainly is the number one issue people talk about when they come to see me for counseling. So why is it so hard to get what we want from the people who are supposed to love us?
In the beginning of our relationships it’s easy to imagine a wonderful life together. You remember this moment, when you see everything you think you will need to make you happy; house, yard, picket fence, two children, or what ever your dream was. You remember your vision. It’s the one that belongs just to you and it’s perfect.
When we meet our “right” person, all of our dreams of a wonderful life together start swirling around in our head. We think to ourselves, “Wow this is the one. I will just fit this one into my dream. Wow they fit! How amazing is that!”
People find it pretty easy to fall in love and feel close to another person, but when one or both of you get your feelings hurt, or feel misunderstood or unloved, it might take a long time to feel close again.
People always start out strong, loving deeply their “right” person. Think back to the beginning of your relationship and remember how much you felt and fell for yours. It was pretty wonderful, right?
So why after being together for a while do you sometimes feel so hurt that you can’t even talk to your beloved, maybe for hours at a time? Maybe you feel so misunderstood that you stay hurt for days. Now that can be really painful.
I was sitting with my husband the other night. We were at a restaurant and I started thinking whether he considered us friends. We have been in each others lives for the last 17 years and yet I didn’t know what he thought.
“Are we friends?” I asked him. He turned his head toward me with a confused look on his face and then he asked me where this question came from. I told him that sometimes when I work with couples they tell me they love each other, but they are not very friendly with each other…
I was walking my little dog the other day. She is about 12 pounds, a white Maltese, one of those soft fluffy animals that look like they could be stuffed. She is sweet beyond sugar and one of the nicest dogs I have ever met.
So when she spied a squirrel and began to tug on the leash, foaming at the mouth and growl I thought, “Who is this animal? This is not my little Molly.”
It can be difficult to unearth partners’ unspoken desires. Even little, seemingly mundane things that would make a husband or wife’s life better can just lie unmentioned and undiscovered. For years. And for what?
Do you ever wonder why your mate doesn’t tell you what they want? Do you sometimes think about how easy life would be if your partner just asked for what he or she needed from you? Does it sometimes just stun you to find out there is something very simple your mate has been waiting for and they haven’t told you what it is and they have been waiting for it for years?
Everyone, at some point in their lives, wonders “Will I ever find love?” It’s in every book, every show, every movie… so surely it’s part of the human condition. That must mean it’s out there, waiting for each of us.
Or so we’re told.
Changing little habits can make you feel better. The transition may feel strange, but stick with it and you just might be happier for it. Even something small can make a big difference in your day.
Earlier this month I made a minor decision. I decided to do something about my garage door opener placement in my car. I had become uncomfortable with the opener attached to the visor because the visor doesn’t sit flush with the roof of the car when pushed all the way up. The visor would droop a few inches because of the opener. I found myself pushing on the visor when ever I was driving to see if it would stay up. It was starting to drive me mad.
I often work with couples who are so ready to feel loved by their partners. They have dreamed about it, waited for it, fought over it and longed for it. As a couples counselor I see this hunger for love in many shapes and sizes.
It breaks my heart a little when I witness this among the clients I work with. And that’s why I feel so passionately about my work. I believe all couples who are together, who want to stay together, long to feel loved.
Learn how “loving from the inside out” just might reinforce your relationship and help you fight less.
I saw this young couple walking down the street. The woman reached up and kissed her man on the mouth while continuing their pace. He joined her in the quick kiss and when he pulled his head back he wore the biggest smile. That looked like love. And they probably both felt it in that moment.
It’s easy for most of us to know when we feel love, but how do you tell and how do you know when you are loved? I was thinking about this concept the other day. I wondered because in my own experience sometimes I don’t feel very lovable.
Feeling unloved is tough. I have some good news and some bad news about it. First, the bad news: it’s incredibly common. The good news is that even if you feel unlovable, there’s lots of hope, and signs of being loved might just be right under your nose.