Why Loving is Hard When We Hurt


Hard to Love When We're Hurt

Loving is hard when we hurt. Sure, people find it pretty easy to fall in love and feel close to another person, but when one or both of you get your feelings hurt, or feel misunderstood or unloved, it might take a long time to feel close again.

People always start out strong, loving deeply their “right” person. Think back to the beginning of your relationship and remember how much you felt and fell for yours. It was pretty wonderful, right?

So why after being together for a while do you sometimes feel so hurt that you can’t even talk to your beloved, maybe for hours at a time? Maybe you feel so misunderstood that you stay hurt for days. Now that can be really painful.

How Communication Breaks Down When We Get Hurt

Loving is Hard When We Hurt & Are Sad

When we are in a relationship with another person, we are vulnerable to how they treat us. It’s not uncommon for people to fall into a fantasy of believing that they will always be treated with respect, love and understanding. But the truth is, when you are in a relationship everything is exposed, and nothing is safe, including our feelings.

People often misunderstand each other, that’s normal. People are insensitive sometimes and on occasion people can be self centered. These behaviors have an impact on our partner and many times the partner will take it personally and get hurt. And when some of us get hurt we fold up and we don’t want to talk about it.

Misunderstanding Causes Fights with Those We Love

Many couples find themselves at odds with the person they love. No one starts out wanting a disconnection and yet after a fight or disagreement in many cases that’s exactly what happens.

As a couples therapist I work with couples to help them understand each other. I also work to help people understand themselves. All of us react in some way when we get our feelings hurt. So in a relationship if we can understand two things, what we do, and what our partner does, we have a good chance of not only healing, but thriving with our mate.

Gaining awareness of what each of you do when there is an argument is crucial to the long term health of a relationship. When we know our habits we can know what to expect. When we know our partner’s habits we also know what to expect.

Recovering From Arguments and Helping Love Last

Happy couple who worked through an argument successfully.

Knowing what might follow an argument is insurance for your relationship. Everyone knows the boundaries and that gives you confidence and a strong belief that you will survive the difficulty. And here’s an added benefit, when you are knowledgeable about yourself and your mate, it’s a lot easier to reconnect after a blowup.

Everyone misreads the other sometimes. Knowing how to get out of the discomfort and the disconnection reveals the health of your relationship. Learn about your partner’s behaviors and habits to better understand them, and learn the same about yours to understand yourself. You and your partner will both be happier for it, and your relationship will be that much stronger.

Communicate Effectively, Hurt Less, & Be Happier

Read a Book About Communication in Relationships

Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. Book by Linda Nusbaum.

My new book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship can help you and your loved one better understand one another and fight less. Learn how to communicate both productively and effectively, and how to thrive in your happiest relationship yet.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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