Love Advice: When You’re Feeling Unloved in a Relationship


how do you know when you are loved?

Feeling unloved is tough. I have some good news and some bad news about it. First, the bad news: it’s incredibly common. The good news is that even if you feel unlovable right now, signs that someone loves you might just be right under your nose.

I saw this young couple walking down the street. The woman reached up and kissed her man on the mouth while continuing their pace. He joined her in the quick kiss and when he pulled his head back he wore the biggest smile. That looked like love. And they probably both felt it in that moment.

It’s easy for most of us to know when we feel love, but how do you tell and how do you know when you are loved? I was thinking about this concept the other day. I wondered because in my own experience sometimes I don’t feel very lovable.

Knowing You’re Loved When You Feel Unlovable

Maybe you share these feelings too. Say you got out of bed feeling less than great and you learned some difficult news and you just didn’t feel like your old self. Maybe you were sad or grumpy. Are you lovable when you feel this way?

If you were to ask your mate they would probably say “Of course.”
They would say they love you always. And that would be their truth. But when we are in a depressed state and not at our best, or not feeling lovable, how can we truly believe we are loved?

I wonder this because when I am feeling sad or small or disconnected, I can’t even love myself. So how could anyone else love this person, me?

And then I think, “Wow, that’s what knowing you are loved is all about.”

A Surefire Sign That You’re Loved

Knowing you're loved. Happy couple in love walking in the park.

It is knowing that your partner LOVES you even when you can’t love yourself. Feeling unloved and of isolated is not uncommon for people. And as a relationship specialist, I know that most humans sometimes feel bad about themselves.

It’s pretty common. It usually stems from something in the past that keeps visiting us. When we experience these old feelings we might feel like protecting ourselves and not letting anyone in. We might feel alone and the worst thing we might think is that we are “un-lovable”.

If you experience these thoughts, feelings and behaviors they are probably your old ways of navigating the world that were very important to you when you needed them at an earlier age. But if you are in a relationship and you are looking for connection, those behaviors do not bring you closer to your partner. Nothing keeps you from connection faster than thoughts of not being good enough, or lovable.

It’s really a matter of thinking about you and your partner as a team and remembering that even when things seem difficult you hold on to the truthy. My mate loves me. My mate loves me always, even when I can’t even love myself.

Keep Feeling Lovable & Connected

Check out Linda’s new book about getting the most out of your relationship: Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It’s full of tips that will help keep you feeling loved by and connected to your partner!

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