Why Loving is Hard When We Hurt

People find it pretty easy to fall in love and feel close to another person, but when one or both of you get your feelings hurt, or feel misunderstood or unloved, it might take a long time to feel close again.

People always start out strong, loving deeply their “right” person. Think back to the beginning of your relationship and remember how much you felt and fell for yours. It was pretty wonderful, right?

So why after being together for a while do you sometimes feel so hurt that you can’t even talk to your beloved, maybe for hours at a time? Maybe you feel so misunderstood that you stay hurt for days. Now that can be really painful.

One of the biggest frustrations couples face is trying to get their partner to change. I hear this difficulty over and over in the couples I treat. It sounds like this, “If he would only do…..,” “If she would just…..” It’s what many distressed couples say to me. What they really want is for their mate to be different.

I was sitting with my husband the other night. We were at a restaurant and I started thinking whether he considered us friends. We have been in each others lives for the last 17 years and yet I didn’t know what he thought.

“Are we friends?” I asked him. He turned his head toward me with a confused look on his face and then he asked me where this question came from. I told him that sometimes when I work with couples they tell me they love each other, but they are not very friendly with each other…

As a couples counselor I am never surprised to hear people express their love for their better half. In fact I have worked with couples who have had disasters between them and yet each will profess true love for the other despite horrific behaviors that would suggest the opposite.

Couple after couple will tell me how much they love the other person. And yet there are problems upon problems by the time they come in to the therapy office.

I used to bristle when I would hear the word hater. It felt so sharp, and yet so accurate. I have even used it once or twice to disparage a group in opposition to a particular position. But I didn’t really feel good using that word or lining up against any person or group when I did use it.

As a therapist, I am always trying to understand feelings. In my work with people who have difficulty I try and understand motivations and feelings that might give me insight to how the person might be experiencing events in their life. So when I think about “haters” I consider these elements to help me understand why people hate and why hating has become so commonplace.

I was walking my little dog the other day. She is about 12 pounds, a white Maltese, one of those soft fluffy animals that look like they could be stuffed. She is sweet beyond sugar and one of the nicest dogs I have ever met.

So when she spied a squirrel and began to tug on the leash, foaming at the mouth and growl I thought, “Who is this animal? This is not my little Molly.”

It can be difficult to unearth partners’ unspoken desires. Even little, seemingly mundane things that would make a husband or wife’s life better can just lie unmentioned and undiscovered. For years. And for what?

Do you ever wonder why your mate doesn’t tell you what they want? Do you sometimes think about how easy life would be if your partner just asked for what he or she needed from you? Does it sometimes just stun you to find out there is something very simple your mate has been waiting for and they haven’t told you what it is and they have been waiting for it for years?

I often work with couples who are so ready to feel loved by their partners. They have dreamed about it, waited for it, fought over it and longed for it. As a couples counselor I see this hunger for love in many shapes and sizes.

It breaks my heart a little when I witness this among the clients I work with. And that’s why I feel so passionately about my work. I believe all couples who are together, who want to stay together, long to feel loved.

Learn how “loving from the inside out” just might reinforce your relationship and help you fight less.

I saw this young couple walking down the street. The woman reached up and kissed her man on the mouth while continuing their pace. He joined her in the quick kiss and when he pulled his head back he wore the biggest smile. That looked like love. And they probably both felt it in that moment.

It’s easy for most of us to know when we feel love, but how do you tell and how do you know when you are loved? I was thinking about this concept the other day. I wondered because in my own experience sometimes I don’t feel very lovable.

Feeling unloved is tough. I have some good news and some bad news about it. First, the bad news: it’s incredibly common. The good news is that even if you feel unlovable, there’s lots of hope, and signs of being loved might just be right under your nose.

I am a couples counselor. I work with people in relationships to help them resolve their problems and difficulties. But I wonder if people ever really ask themselves if their relationship is okay.

And if they did question whether their relationship was working, what would let them know it was? I believe it’s easy to tell if your relationship is workable. To know if yours qualifies, just ask yourself how long it takes the two of you to mend after an upset, argument or fight.

I'm retired.

Communication Articles

Why Loving is Hard When We Hurt

Why It’s So Hard to Change Your Partner

Friendship: Foundation of Relationships That LAST

“My Husband / Wife Doesn’t Love Me!” On Feeling Unloved

Why Do “Haters” Hate?

The Many Faces We Wear

The Secret Lives of Our Partners’ Unspoken Desires

Loving from the Inside Out

Love Advice: When You’re Feeling Unloved in a Relationship

Are You In a Healthy Relationship?