Are We Even? On Fairness in Relationships

There is something about fairness that we all consider in our lives. We decide if something is right or wrong. We often determine if we didn’t get enough of something and if someone got more, and then we say to ourselves, “that’s not fair”.

Humans like things to be even. And we really feel this equation when we are in a relationship with our person. You might ask yourself, am I doing more than my mate? Does my partner do more than I do? Do we have an equal arrangement? Am I the recipient of more than I give?

Relationships cause hurts. We don’t want them, but they occur. This is just the way it is when two humans live and interact in a close and intimate way. We have a different kind of openness with our partners and when we get stung by them we get really hurt, I mean really hurt.

It feels as if they never really knew us at all, because if they did, how could they hurt us so badly? And if we get hurt, how long do we hold onto the pain of being hurt? Some of us can’t let go and we carry that hurt around inside us for a long time. In some cases it can last for years.

Do you think of yourself as “miserable” in your relationship? It might take you a moment to really think about how you feel most of the time, but if you say “yes,” you are miserable in your relationship. Well, let’s talk.

All of us, at times, feel terrible in our relationship. That just goes along with the nature of getting close to another person. People are complex. You and I included, now add your significant other. We are all so intricately different and unique, it’s no wonder we might get frustrated and upset when we try and get along with them.

I was listening to a talk recently and the speaker was telling us about how our brains are wired. He said that when something good happens it doesn’t stick in our brain because our brain treats the good like Teflon. But when something bad happens, our brain acts completely different, it becomes Velcro.

It doesn’t make sense that our own brain would act so contrary to what would be more helpful to us in our lives. It would be much better if all the good things in life were to stick like glue and the bad things would just roll off, but that’s not the way we are wired.

This is a funny question, but I think it’s a feeling that a lot of us can relate to. I know if I look deep down when I am worried or unsure of something, I can probably identify the root of this feeling and it has to do usually with me and that something is often, “I am not enough.”

I don’t say this out loud, but I feel it inside myself. I feel less than and that might explain why I worry sometimes. This is very common. A lot of us wonder if we are enough. And the “enoughs” can come in all kinds of variety, “Am I smart enough? Am I attractive enough? Am I successful enough?”

We all feel love. Somewhere inside us we feel a tingle or a stab or a warm feeling or a thought. Every one of us feels love. But we don’t all feel it the same. Think of how you feel love. Maybe your ears take it in first when you hear your partner tell you, “I love you.”

Maybe it starts with the words and then some current travels inside your body and you feel something in your belly. How would you describe how and where you feel love? Think about it for you and discover how it is in your body. And I bet if you talk with your partner they might describe it differently than how you describe it, and feel it differently too.

It may be hard to believe, but some people don’t get mad. I mean everyone gets mad, but some people don’t show their anger. This article is about those of us with the first response getting mad and expressing it. This is the way I am wired, and I know there are a lot of you out there wired the same way.

There are many theories about why we are wired the way we are, but I would like to boil it down. It all started when we were children…

“What makes a good relationship?” Sounds like a trick question, doesn’t it? It’s like being asked what is beautiful, or what is happy. It’s one of those questions that might be answered differently depending on who you ask. There might be many answers to the question.

Every one of us who is in a relationship can look to elements in our connection with our person and say, “I like that part.” We might think of our mate and know that when they do that certain thing they do, we really like it. All of us have some things in our union with our mate that we cherish.

But…

Everyone who has ever loved another has been hurt by the one they love. There is no relationship in the world that is without pain. It’s just not possible. Now that’s not saying there aren’t people who just don’t fight or get upset. There are probably lots of couples out there that don’t get mad at each other. But that is not the majority of us, and those that NEVER disagree or fight, well I can’t imagine having every thought in my head mirrored perfectly by my mate.

As humans who live close together we are bound to see that we are different than our partner. It is that difference that leads to quarrels and disagreements. Most of us feel very strongly about the way we look at things and the way we like to think. We are attached to our view of the world, including how things should be done in our home.

Remember the beginning of your relationship? You know, when you were falling in love with your special one. Remember when everything was perfect, the most wonderful perfect you could have ever imagined? This is what most of us as humans dream of, a perfect time and space with the one we love.

Everyone and every couple starts out this way. And most of the people I meet in my practice are desperate to get back to this wonderful, terrific space where both people understood everything about the other and there was peace and harmony and everything.

Tag Archives: couples counseling

Are We Even? On Fairness in Relationships

Forgiving Your Husband or Wife is Hard When You’re Hurt

Feeling Miserable in a Relationship? Here’s What You Can Do

How to Overcome Negative Thinking in Relationships

Am I Enough? Feeling Inadequate in Relationships & Life

We All Feel Love Differently

Do You Get Mad? Read This: Anger Problems and Relationships

What Makes A Good Relationship?

Are You Living with Emotional Pain in Your Relationship?

How to Deal with Discomfort in a Relationship