Forgiving Your Husband or Wife is Hard When You’re Hurt

Why Forgiving Your Husband or Wife is Hard When You're Hurt

Forgiving your husband or wife can be difficult. When we’re hurt, we can hold onto that pain. Sometimes, we hold onto it for a long time. We may even hold onto it at the expense of our connection with our loved ones. Ever wonder why?

Why Do We Have Trouble Forgiving Our Loved Ones?

Why is forgiving your husband or wife so difficult?

Relationships cause hurts. We don’t want them, but they occur. This is just the way it is when two humans live and interact in a close and intimate way. We have a different kind of openness with our partners and when we get stung by them we get really hurt, I mean really hurt.

It feels as if they never really knew us at all, because if they did, how could they hurt us so badly? And if we get hurt, how long do we hold onto the pain of being hurt? Some of us can’t let go and we carry that hurt around inside us for a long time. In some cases it can last for years.

It Hurts When You Feel Unable Forgive Your Husband or Wife

Feeling unable to forgive your husband or wife puts a wall up between you.

I am working with a beautiful couple. They love each other. But years ago they had a misunderstanding that hurt both of them very deeply. They each couldn’t believe what the other was doing. They both got so wounded they began to harden towards the other. They each believed something that they thought about the other and this made them grow harder towards each other. And the sad part was they never talked about it.

This is awful for both people. We all want to be in connection with the one we love and be happy. But when we hold on to our pain, that’s all we feel. The pain causes us to create a lot of reasons why we feel it. These reasons make us feel strong in our explanation about the situation. There is no room for movement. We just create a fixed story about what was done to us and that’s where we live.

Being Unable to Forgive Often Happens Because We’re Consumed By Our Pain and Sense of Betrayal

Forgiving your husband or wife is difficult when you're consumed with pain or a sense of betrayal.

These situations are common. And they are extremely painful. When they harden everything that comes after the event will be suspect. We remember the pain of the last big hurt and are not able to open up to the possibility of getting hurt again. It’s a hard way to live. It’s a hard way to live in a relationship with someone who you love but can’t connect to.

The idea of forgiving the other person is far away. Here’s why: sometimes, when we get hurt, all we feel is the pain of the hurt. That pain becomes our driver in our life. Everything gets wrapped around that pain and supports what is happening to us and is a direct result of that pain. The pain becomes our fuel for our life’s walk. We can’t see anything else around us, just what was done to us.

There might be a big old world full of people and places and experiences and everything we could imagine, but we can’t do anything but feel what was done to us. That tells me we are living with something we need only the need is unknown to us. We might need to feel heard by our mate. We might need to be understood by our mate. We might need to get an apology from our mate. We need something to move beyond the pain that is taking over our life.

How You Can Feel Better and Possibly Even Forgive Your Husband or Wife

Steps towards forgiving your husband or wife...

Here’s what helps. If you are in pain in your relationship because it feels like your mate did something to you, recognize that this is what is happening to you. Once you can feel that this is where you are living, it’s possible to do something to relieve the hurt. If you recognize that you are living in pain, that is the first step. Now think about what it is you might need from your mate. This is another important part. It will free you from your pain if you can identify it.

Then you do something really brave. You ask your mate for what you need. If you can do this you are taking a direct action to get out of your pain and that action could create a new pathway between you and your mate. It’s even possible that you might heal from your pain. And isn’t that what we all want, a healthy free flowing relationship with the one we love. Now that’s living.

Want to Feel Like You Can Forgive Your Husband or Wife and Reconnect?

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how you and your partner can better understand one another’s needs and pain, by reading reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might help improve your communication skills, helping you better understand one another, hurt each other less, and have an easier time reconnecting when things aren’t at their best. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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