Have you been feeling miserable in a relationship? It might take you a moment to really think about how you feel most of the time, but if you say “yes,” you are pretty deeply unhappy with where you are in your relationship. Well, let’s talk.
Everyone Feels Miserable in a Relationship At Some Point
All of us, at times, feel terrible in our relationship. That just goes along with the nature of getting close to another person. People are complex. You and I included, now add your significant other. We are all so intricately different and unique, it’s no wonder we might get frustrated and upset when we try and get along with them.
So I understand feeling uncomfortable and other difficult emotions when you live close to another. But for a moment let’s try and look at this situation differently. Look back at your own family when you grew up, when you were little. Was it all peace and flowers and harmony? I bet not. I don’t think I ever met anyone who has had a perfect childhood.
What Sets Us Up for Misery in Our Relationships?
So if we come from some disruption, any kind of discord, arguing, miscommunication etc. We are pretty destined to have some of these same elements in our current relationship, and here’s why. Even though we may have said to ourselves we will never put up with what we saw in our family, our head makes these decisions for us. But it’s our body’s comfort that really rules.
You see despite our head making these firm rules for us, our inside equilibrium, the part that hums like a motor, is really set up to handle whatever we endured as a little person. If there was yelling, our inside, core motor is accustomed to dealing with it. If there were silent interactions, then we are familiar with how to navigate that.
So sometimes our minds and bodies do two different things. The mind will say, “I don’t want this in my relationship,” but the body will feel right at home because it’s familiar. That doesn’t mean we don’t still want something very different. The mind is probably right about what we want. But the body doesn’t know how to get to peace, calm, and harmony. That’s not where we came from. So how do you get it if you are just using your thoughts to make it happen?
Feeling Miserable in a Relationship Is Ultimately About Wanting to Get to a Better Place
This aspect of a lot of relationships is where the rubber meets the road. We want an adult relationship with our mate. We dream of having all the love and everything else we need in life to be happy. However, we may be bringing childhood wounds into the relationship with unconscious hopes that the new mate will mend them. This is the unconscious hope of many people who couple. The problem is that our mate is probably thinking the same thing and hoping we mend their wounds too. And all this is probably unconscious.
So there you have it. When you classify your relationship as miserable, it’s probably because you are both fighting to get to a better place. This is not about love. It’s about wanting something better for both of you. Here’s a suggestion, talk with each other about these concepts and make a pact. Decide to really work on what you bring to the relationship, what you expect from the other and how you can both go about getting what you both want.
This is the hard work of a relationship. And it’s the best work you will ever do because it lasts a lifetime. The proof is learning to understand how you feel and communicating that with your mate instead of expecting them to know. And if you can do that then you’ll start to see some of those glimpses of what you really want, that peace and calm and harmony and maybe even some freedom.
Stop Feeling Miserable in Your Relationship and Start Working Towards Something Better Today!
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how you and your partner can improve your relationship by improving the ways you communicate. Check out Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might help you stop feeling miserable in your relationship, and instead leave you feeling happier and more connected than you have in a long time. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.