Why Saying “You Hurt My Feelings” Never Works

When people get their feelings hurt, they usually want someone to make them feel better. This pattern of getting hurt and someone being there to sooth you can be traced back to when we were little children. We all fell down and someone, (hopefully) took care of us.

Sometimes I hear couples tell me they are good communicators. One or both will say they know how to tell their partner when they get upset. I ask them how they do this and they tell me they say, “You hurt my feelings.” I listen and nod my head and wonder if it works. Then I ask them, and they always say, “No.”

Getting our partners to make changes is probably one of the hardest parts of being in a relationship. It certainly is the number one issue people talk about when they come to see me for counseling. So why is it so hard to get what we want from the people who are supposed to love us?

Communication in marriage takes some training. Many expect that our empathetic bond with our mates means they’ll always be aware of our needs and be ready and willing to fulfill them, even if we say nothing. Nope.

It’s a funny thing about humans. If we are in a relationship, when we are hurting the most, all we want to know is that we matter to our mate and that we are loved. So why is it so hard for most people to get what they desperately want in their time of need?

In the beginning of our relationships it’s easy to imagine a wonderful life together. You remember this moment, when you see everything you think you will need to make you happy; house, yard, picket fence, two children, or what ever your dream was. You remember your vision. It’s the one that belongs just to you and it’s perfect.

When we meet our “right” person, all of our dreams of a wonderful life together start swirling around in our head. We think to ourselves, “Wow this is the one. I will just fit this one into my dream. Wow they fit! How amazing is that!”

First off, no one plans to have a disagreement with the person they love. We love who we love and we want to be in harmony with them. So why is it so hard for many of us to stop fighting in a relationship? Why is it that the fights pretty much determine whether a relationship will last or not?

I’m often asked things like, “Help! My husband stops talking to me when we fight. What do I do?” or “My wife stops talking to me when I’ve done something wrong. How can I get her to open back up?”

When couples fight or argue or have a disagreement it’s not uncommon for one person in the relationship to stop talking. This happens among many couples so if you are experiencing this in your relationship know that you are not alone.

I am in the business of helping people understand each other. As a couples counselor I listen to people tell me about their struggles with their partners, the person they love.

I know that every time I hear a story I know that person is telling me his or her truth. We as humans feel very strongly about what we think and believe. These thoughts and feelings are what make us who we are, and feeling like we matter depends on letting others know what we are about.

And I know that people just want to let their partners know what they think and feel. Most people in relationships feel they must get the other person to understand them or they will feel invisible and undervalued. It is very important for people in relationships to get their partners to understand what matters to them.

So, what do we do?

Almost everyone asks, “Do I matter?”

It’s a universal need for all of us to matter. We have a deep longing to know that we are important. This craving beats the loudest in our relationships with other people.

People come to me saying, “My husband blames me for everything,” or “My wife blames me for everything.” Here’s a look at why people look to blame another when they feel hurt.

Many of us automatically look for someone to blame when we get mad. This is very common; humans often look for someone to take responsibility when something bad happens. So what’s wrong with blaming another person when we get upset? If a lot of people do this why even talk about it?

Well, people get defensive, they get mad, and they fight. They don’t have to. Learn how to break the pattern.

No two people in a relationship are the same. We find connections with our partner and yet we are wildly different from them. We are attracted to their difference and their similarities in the beginning of a relationship, but down the road we might find that the way they do things, different than we do them, might just bug us a bit.

I'm retired.

Couples/Relationships Articles

Why Saying “You Hurt My Feelings” Never Works

Why It’s So Hard to Change Your Spouse’s Behavior

Stop Suffering Silently! Tips for Communication in Marriage

How to Make a Relationship Last: Think Long Term

How to Stop Fighting In a Relationship, and Simply Love

Help! My Wife / Husband Stops Talking to Me

How Feeling Misunderstood Stands Between You and Love

Do I Matter? Feeling Ignored in a Relationship

My Husband / Wife Blames Me for Everything! What Do I Do?

How Can We Feel Loved Despite Our Differences?