Almost everyone asks, “Do I matter?”
It’s a universal need for all of us to matter. We have a deep longing to know that we are important. This craving beats the loudest in our relationships with other people.
Feeling Unheard & Invisible Makes Us Question Our Worth
How often have all of us felt under appreciated or unnoticed by our partner, spouse, parent, sibling or child? I bet every one of us can recall a time when someone didn’t listen to us the way we thought they should have, or another person completely ignored us or someone was so pushy that we couldn’t get our point across.
Or maybe you don’t even try when there are big voices around you. All these examples of not being seen or heard leads to wondering, “Do I matter?” You see, mattering to another or to people we care about is probably the most important quest in our lives.
Most humans need to know that they matter to the person they love. To be seen and understood by another or others makes us feel important. To be ignored or dismissed makes us feel invisible and that is the harshest pain any human can endure.
How to Feel Heard & Noticed
Think about how you like to get noticed in a conversation. Let’s say you are a person who likes to listen to others and will question the content of what is being said. If you are a questioner, this is how you show up to matter in a conversation. If you are one who must be right and challenges others, this is your technique of feeling important. I tend to want to teach others and I guess that’s how I feel I matter. I know I feel I don’t matter when people don’t want to hear me.
Some people argue, others say nothing maybe thinking their thoughts aren’t important so they don’t comment.
Reflect on When You Felt Heard & Like You Mattered
Look back on conversations you have had with people you care about and think about your participation. What was your role? All of us play some part in communicating with others, try and figure out what you do to get noticed.
Once you have determined how you get yourself noticed, or stay silent, think about what this behavior gets you. You might begin to see that every one of us has a way to feel important. Maybe this will lead to some new thoughts about what you might truly want in these conversations.
It could be as simple as to just feel included. All of us want to know that we are connected to others. It’s how humans are designed, to be among others and viewed by them. It’s how we know that we matter and are important.
This technique can be very useful in a relationship. Both people often are trying to get something from the other. Think about the last time you may have had a disagreement with your mate. I bet both of you were just trying to get your person to fill a deep longing inside you… the one that asks the question, do I matter to you?
I DO Matter! Feel Heard, Important, and Loved
Read This Book to Wonder “Do I Matter?” Less and Start Feeling Loved
My new book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship just might help you and your loved one improve your communication. Learn how to show one another that you’re important to each other and feel loved.
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Hello, if I could get a response that would be fantastic! I have been with my fiance for 4 years now. We were friends for several years and 4 months after we got together, he went to prison for 3 years. Before he went he made me feel like a princess and we never argued. Now we seem to argue about everything. Can’t ever seem to get stuff right. I love hm so much but I feel invisible, unimportant & I unloved a lot. We live in Mesa Arizona. Please help. Thank you.