Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog

Compromise in Relationships: The Secret Cost of Happiness

I have talked about my sleep before. I love my sleep and I want to get as much as I can. I am also a light sleeper, so when my husband breathes or stretches I feel the effects. I have gotten used to his way of sleeping, but lately when I wake up in the middle of the night he apparently wakes too (must be our ages&em;we are getting older).

The new trend is, I try to get back to sleep as soon as possible and I am almost there and then he will move or make a noise and this move or sound wakes me up. I will try again to get back to sleep and I am almost there and then he will make a noise or move and I will wake up again. This has been happening a lot lately.

Here’s what I did.

I was driving recently and while looking out the window saw an old man with white hair. He was tall and appeared in good health. He had this look in his eye, a young sort of gleam that spelled mischief. I caught him in the action of reaching for his ladies hand. It was a cold night and her head was buried in a hat, but I saw a huge smile brim across her mouth when they connected.

She took his hand and looked up at him. He looked at her and they locked eyes as if they had just met. It felt so fresh I thought for a moment they might be on a first date. But the friendliness of the action had a familiar feel to it and reminded me that they have probably held hands many, many times before.

Trust issues pervade relationships everywhere, but they can be overcome.

It almost sounds funny to talk about how we have to learn to trust our special person, our partner, our mate. But we do. We have to learn that the one we are in relationship with does love us, even when we can’t feel the love. And that is one of the hardest parts of staying together.

I was recently at a going away party for a dear friend who is moving away. It was a lively affair with food and wine and upbeat conversation. But the highlight of the evening was a gathering in a large comfortable room where we read or spoke our feelings about the person who is leaving. Our readings or poems were then put in a binder for the departed one to keep, a sort of “Memory Book”.

I knew this person because we have both been in a group that meets once a week. She and I have seen each other in this group for the last 15 years. Yes, I feel I know her. She has touched my life in several ways and I am grateful to have experienced this closeness…

All of us like things the way we like them. This is a part of being human, where we have preferences. We like what we like and we don’t like what we don’t like. I notice this because I get really cranky when my comfort is compromised.

And I bet I am a lot like you. And I also know that I have to soften around my edges to make room for my person, my husband, the one I am walking the earth with. And this is hard. I especially notice this when I am sleeping. I am what is known as a “light” sleeper. I wake up easily when there is noise.

I was visiting New York recently and it was cold. Standing in a store to get my coffee I noticed an older man wearing a thick winter jacket holding a little doggy in a coat. It was a small dog, about 10 pounds, held close to this man’s breast. The animal’s little head was shaking.

I asked the man the name of his puppy, and in a second his hardness in his face turned into a little boy as his eyes softened and he said in the sweetest voice, “Sprinkles.” My heart felt his heart. I could feel his sincere devotion to his little dog. It was like a melody of a beautiful song the way he spoke of his pup, sweet, pure, wonderful.

Everyone who gets involved with another person has good intentions. We all believe the relationship will be great and last forever. Everyone thinks this, so if you thought you were alone, you are not. In fact, you’re the same as the rest of us.

We all want to be happy in our relationships. That too is universal. The problem is that most of us, before we find someone, have put ourselves together pretty well. We probably know how to do everything we need to do to live our life and we don’t need anyone’s help. That is what we consider a successful individual.

I was at the movies recently watching a new release called Youth. It’s about all kinds of people having life changing experiences and what they do with them. The movie kind of stayed with me and mulled around my my mind until the next day when I got it. I realized that some of the characters opened themselves up to a different kind of life while some of the other characters closed themselves down and folded into something smaller. This was my take away from the movie.

And then I thought about us, you know the people in relationships and how we do the same thing. When we are hurt we close up. When we feel loving we open. And isn’t it really that simple? You can see it in yourself even. When you feel understood, safe, and connected you stay open. When you feel misunderstood, worried and unloved you close up.

When we meet our special person, most of us fall into believing that since we have found them, that’s all we need. Everything will be right from here on out because we are with our perfect mate. Most of us start our relationships this way. And then we realize that the perfect person is not enough to sustain our happiness.

And believe it or not, this is normal. It happens in almost all relationships. So what do we have to do to make our relationship last, even though sometimes we don’t always feel great about it? I believe we need to grow our relationship muscles.

The most satisfying feeling for two people to share is experiencing a connection with their partner, the person they love. To know you are understood by them and to feel closeness that develops out of this connection is a place all humans long for. It is what reminds us of our togetherness, and it is way we all feel love.

Every one feels this when it’s happening, and we feel it distinctly when it’s cut off and is not available to us. All of us have felt a cold shoulder from someone we wanted to be with. Every one of us has been sad because we were not understood by our mate. This is the pain of being in love with our special person. This is often the key issue that keeps people apart.

I'm retired.

Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog

Compromise in Relationships: The Secret Cost of Happiness

Random Acts of Love: What Spontaneity Does for Relationships

Overcoming Trust Issues in a Relationship

Knowing We Are Loved

So, Your Partner Accidentally Upset You…

On Tenderness: Love the Little in All of Us

How Relationships Work in The Real World: It’s Complicated

How Being Open Makes Relationships Even Better

Hurt Feelings and Growth in Your Relationship

Why Feeling Misunderstood Upsets Us