First off, no one plans to have a disagreement with the person they love. We love who we love and we want to be in harmony with them. So why is it so hard for many of us to stop fighting in a relationship? Why is it that the fights pretty much determine whether a relationship will last or not?
People come to me saying, “My husband blames me for everything,” or “My wife blames me for everything.” Here’s a look at why people look to blame another when they feel hurt.
Many of us automatically look for someone to blame when we get mad. This is very common; humans often look for someone to take responsibility when something bad happens. So what’s wrong with blaming another person when we get upset? If a lot of people do this why even talk about it?
Well, people get defensive, they get mad, and they fight. They don’t have to. Learn how to break the pattern.
People find it pretty easy to fall in love and feel close to another person, but when one or both of you get your feelings hurt, or feel misunderstood or unloved, it might take a long time to feel close again.
People always start out strong, loving deeply their “right” person. Think back to the beginning of your relationship and remember how much you felt and fell for yours. It was pretty wonderful, right?
So why after being together for a while do you sometimes feel so hurt that you can’t even talk to your beloved, maybe for hours at a time? Maybe you feel so misunderstood that you stay hurt for days. Now that can be really painful.
No two people in a relationship are the same. We find connections with our partner and yet we are wildly different from them. We are attracted to their difference and their similarities in the beginning of a relationship, but down the road we might find that the way they do things, different than we do them, might just bug us a bit.
I am a couples counselor. I work with people in relationships to help them resolve their problems and difficulties. But I wonder if people ever really ask themselves if their relationship is okay.
And if they did question whether their relationship was working, what would let them know it was? I believe it’s easy to tell if your relationship is workable. To know if yours qualifies, just ask yourself how long it takes the two of you to mend after an upset, argument or fight.
There is pain in our world. There is pain among couples who carry hurt feelings and just can’t heal them. I see this often in my work as a relationship counselor. Another thing I see is a statement from some people that goes like this, “I don’t like to apologize.”
Some are even more emphatic with, “I don’t ever say I’m sorry.” This is not uncommon for some people to think this way. Many people believe that if you apologize, you are showing a sign of weakness. Weakness is something many people believe they have to avoid at all cost.
Being criticized feels really, really awful. Anyone who’s been picked apart can tell you that.
Let’s talk about why people criticize—the feelings underlying it, what they hope to achieve, and how to keep things civil and constructive.
You are invited to watch the debut of a new show: Feel Better Live. It’s being hosted by Linda Nusbaum, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping couples. The first show will air tomorrow, Thursday, February 21st at 6:00pm and continue every Thursday at 6:00 from then on. It’s free and you don’t have to sign anything to be a part. All you have to do is visit the Feel Better Live Stream Page (feelbetterlive.com/watch-now/) by clicking here.
*Note, if you press play before the scheduled show you will be able to watch a promotional video.
So why should you watch? The show is designed to help people in their relationships. We all have many relationships in our lives; with our mates, with family, with children, at work. Often we run into difficulties and sometimes these challenges leave us feeling terrible. Let me help you work through your worries. Send me your questions and I will answer them live during the show. Don’t worry about identifying yourself, you can remain anonymous if you choose. You can start now by sending in your thoughts to feelbetterlive@gmail.com
I can’t wait to hear from you and have you be part of our new show. Me and my team are thrilled to be hitting the air.
See you soon!
It’s not uncommon for people to walk in a creative way and try something new. Often this can be scary and yet exhilarating. As many of you know I used to be a broadcast journalist. I covered stories across the country and globally. For many years I loved this work. As with all jobs however, sometimes they just become too routine, or they don’t feel as good as they once did.
There were many reasons why I become a therapist ten years ago, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I am very happy here, and now I am bringing back my old skills in a new way with a live weekly broadcast. Only this time it will be on the web, and it is designed not for me, but for you.
As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in relationships I have a private practice in Long Beach, California where I work with couples and individuals. With this new live web show I can help many more people. I created this live broadcast to provide help and happiness to people in their relationships.
The format is designed to answer your questions about your issues. You will be able to email, tweet and call-in during the show. I also invite you to send me your thoughts and questions now so we can answer them when we begin taping.
I have put together a terrific team of people and we are all excited to begin.
FEEL BETTER LIVE will be coming to you in the next few weeks. Watch the link below to learn more.
As a relationship specialist I was working recently with a couple where one of the pair (“the client”) was in misery. The client anguished because this individual thought their partner was talking with another person outside the relationship. This worry was very real and took up an enormous amount of time for the client. Although there was no sexual relationship the client kept ruminating with the following thoughts about their mate. “What if the partner was interested in another? What would happen to the relationship?” These types of questions played out in this person’s mind. The more the client thoughts about it, the worse the client felt.
This situation continued for weeks; the worry, the anguish, the concern. Then during a recent session I noticed something new. The anguish was gone. There was no more worry from the client. There was a greater sense of calm.
How did this happen? The client stated they just decided they could not control what the partner did and so they gave up trying to control it. Yeah, it was that simple, and that profound. This client realized that their worries could not accomplish anything even though they had spent countless hours trying to effect some change. This client decided that they would not continue to try and alter or control what their partner was doing. This client decided to just accept what they could do and accept what their partner was going to do.
This takes courage and self control. This takes facing something that might not be to our liking and just accepting that we will be OK no matter what, even if we don’t want such a thing to occur. This is a brave stance, and I don’t see it a lot during therapy. I was surprised and grateful.
I was surprised, because the action was so evolved, grateful because the client was no longer suffering. The client let go of trying to control the outcome, or what the partner was doing, or what might happen. The client let go of trying to do anything. The client just allowed what was going to happen to just happen. And in doing so they were now calmer, the stress was reduced and they were more attentive and present.
I often talk a lot about being present. Taking life in as it comes, allowing it to unfold; the good and the bad. Once we have self confidence and are grounded we know that what ever life throws at us will not be enough to knock us off the rails. What we learn is to trust in ourselves. We stay connected to the knowledge that we will be OK.
This is true freedom. This allows for real happiness. We can’t ever be in charge of the outcome. When we realize this we might be able to find a way to just be grateful for what we have, and to be confident that when difficulty arises we just may know what to do. And somehow that seems to be just enough.
Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com
www.lindanusbaum.com