Oftentimes when there is a couple and there are disagreements it usually comes down to two people digging into their own positions. We are all individuals, and when we think or believe something and our partner is thinking or believing in something else, well then there is a standoff.
Two people who love each other but are unable to hear each other. This happens countless times to people in relationships. So, what do we have to do about it to make it better?
Practice Listening and Processing Pain
We have to learn how to LISTEN. Now before you tell me you already know how to do this; I am going to tell you not in the way you have learned in your life. To be in a healthy relationship with your beloved it takes some different skills.
First off you and your partner love each other. You have opened your heart to them and you are feeling great. But when you get hurt you have a deeper wound than you might have ever felt.
That’s because you have opened your heart and it doesn’t want to close. So, pain goes right in and it hurts like nothing else. This is when the miscommunication begins. We get so hurt by the one we love we just can’t believe they would hurt us so badly.
We end up being mad at them or keeping our feelings inside of us and just brooding. And when we do this, we can’t even speak to our mate. We just sit at two sides of the room just being upset.
See All of Your Partner, Not Just Your Favorite Parts
Does this sound familiar? I know this is what happened to me in the beginning of my relationship. I used to get so mad. I was unable to calm down for a long time and I certainly couldn’t talk about it. Until I developed a skill.
So, the skill I am talking about is seeing the other person as a whole. They are not there to feed you. They are there for themselves. They want to be happy and pain-free just like you do. So, you have to learn to accept that your partner is a totally different individual than you.
I know in the beginning it felt like we were one, and that is a good thing because it helps you couple. But after being together for a while it becomes clear that they don’t know everything about you and that despite their love they may hurt you.
Communication Skills Can Help Prevent Hurt
And I bet they don’t do anything to hurt you on purpose. It’s just that your old triggers from some old pain are being tapped and then you explode. We have to grow and learn that our beloved wants a good life as much as we do.
We are not more important than them. Our feelings are not more important than theirs either. And here is another thing: two people can’t talk at the same time. One must go first and after they finish and get what they need then the other can go.
And if you don’t know how to do this, you have to learn. People get together because they want to. No one wants to be separate, and yet it happens. See what you can do to reconnect. That’s what all couples want. You are not any different.
Ready to Feel Heard?
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how you can both improve your communication and feel more heard by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help both of you feel more connected, aligned, and loved. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.