When We Hurt Our Mate


We may feel upset when we hurt our mate.

All of us in relationships will at one time or another hurt the ones we love. We probably don’t mean to do this, but it will happen. It happens because we are not in their heads, we are in our own, and we cannot ever really know how another person will take us until there is a reaction.

What Happens When We Hurt Our Mate?

What's going on when we hurt our mate, potentially leaving them upset like this crying woman?

So, let’s say you get into a disagreement with the one you love and you say some things that are an exaggeration of what you really feel, but you are maybe so offended or mad that you just let the words and hurts fly.

This also happens in relationships. It also separates people into their own camps, away from each other, disconnected and both feeling terrible about what just happened.

What do you do when this occurs? Some couples just stay in their corners and don’t talk until the anger or disappointment subsides. Then it’s just the relationship as usual. Nothing ever said about what just happened. They just go on.

This is one way to handle misunderstandings. But that part that doesn’t get finished will have a say sooner or later. When we bury hurts, they come back over and over and we might even hurl them at our mate the next time we get our feelings hurt.

Another Way to Handle Hurt Feelings

Could we better handle our hurt feelings, by taking some time for some coffee or tea to process things?

There are other ways to handle our hurt feelings. Here is one. After a fight, think about your own feelings. Don’t concentrate on your partner’s or what they did to you, because you will stay angry.

Just concentrate on the feelings that got hurt. Think of what was done and figure out if you can get over the pain. You might want to tell your partner about what they did to you so you can feel better. That’s one part.

But the next part is the real healer. Think about how you said what you said during the argument. Did you call your partner a name or two? Did you tell them that they did so and so and you can’t forgive them?

Apologizing and Coming Closer

The most connective way to handle having hurt our partner's feelings is to apologize, so we can reconnect like this hugging couple.

If you were louder and stronger when talking to someone you love, then you need to do something about it. You were not your best self and you want your mate to know that you can see that you pushed them and you are sorry.

I do this. I do this a lot, especially when I fall off and say something cruel or petty. I know this is not my best self and I love my mate and I want him to know that I see what I did. This tells him I am aware of myself and that is part of what they really need to hear. I also apologize for falling off or being too big because saying I am sorry helps them heal from what I said to them. Doing so brings them closer to us, which helps us get what we really want: that connection.

We can all find our best self. Our best self is good. Our best self loves our mate. Our best self can make things right again. A simple I am sorry tells our partner we see them and they are important to us. We do this because we love them. That’s it, because we love them.


Ready to Conquer Barriers to Love?

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how to reduce conflict and heal from pain in your relationship by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you show more empathy and compassion, helping you move past hurt and feel truly loved. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.


[Heading image by John-Mark Smith.]

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.