I Feel Disconnected in My Relationship, What Do I Do?


I Feel Disconnected in My Relationship: What Do I Do?

I feel disconnected from my partner.” “I feel emotionally distant.” “My husband or wife feels detached.” Have you ever thought or felt that way?

Feeling Disconnected is Common, Because We Are Different

Feeling disconnected is common, because we are so different from our loved ones.

I hear couples talk a lot about connection. In fact, feeling disconnected is probably one of the biggest difficulties couples face. Often one of the partners will say something like, “I feel disconnected from him.” But it could be a man saying this too. Feeling connected is something we all feel inside our body, and it is different for every one of us.

Some of us live inside our feelings and literally feel everything that happens to us. That’s me. I am a right-brain-dominant person, which means that I experience the world through my feelings. Imagine how frustrated I felt when I coupled with a person who is left-brain-dominant. That means he interacts with the world through his thinking mind. He thinks first. I feel first. We are different.

In a Couple, the Emotional Partner Sometimes Feels Disconnected From Their Thinking Partner

'I feel disconnected,' thinks this woman, who lives in her feelings. She feels detached from her partner, who lives more in his thoughts.

Of course, we are different. We all want someone who compliments us, not mimics us. So, it is only natural to choose someone who is different, hence the expression, opposites attract. When we couple, we find someone who is right for us. They usually bring and add to us what we don’t have. That’s all the good part.

Now here’s the hard part: they think and act really different from us and sometimes we can feel alone in the relationship. This is the connection that couples are after and sometimes don’t feel. We don’t feel it, because we experience the world and people and our surroundings differently. One of us is usually a feeling person, the other is probably a thinking person.

We May Feel Emotionally Disconnected and Insecure, if Our Partner Doesn’t Voice Their Feelings Often Enough

Feeling disconnected can also leave us feeling sad, alone, and insecure.

When a feeling person doesn’t feel their partner, they feel alone and sad, and maybe they feel disconnected and unloved. And they are probably feeling this all by themselves. I know this has happened to me.

One time I was riding in the car with my husband and I felt terribly alone. We are just inches apart in the car and yet I did not feel connected to him. I remember saying to him, “Hey, do you love me?” He replied, “Of course I love you.” He said it as if it’s a fact. But I needed something more, something bigger, so I could feel something, not just a statement without feeling. So, I said, “Not of course, do you love me in this moment? In this moment, do you love me?”

I am sure he thought something was wrong with me, but he said in a genuine way, “Yes, I love you in this moment. I always love you.” Now that felt real, and it’s what I needed. Is this reassurance? I am not sure. Maybe it’s just that need inside me that wanted to feel that we were connected in a deep way. When I stopped him from a rote answer and made him dig deeper I got something deeper.

Opening Up Can Help You Feel More Connected to Your Partner

You can feel disconnected less often by opening up to one another, which will help you stay aware of how each of you feel.

I also got some understanding for the future, that while I may feel unloved in certain moments, just because he is not speaking his feelings, his heart is full of the love he feels for me. And that, I have come to believe, doesn’t change. Now these are my thoughts about him and how he holds me. My thoughts tell me that he always loves me. That isn’t a feeling in my body, but it’s reassurance I have learned to give myself, so I can live with my other half. You know, the one who is thinking first. I live in my feelings and that’s right for me. He lives in his head, and that’s right for him. Find a way to honor who you are and who your partner is. Allow for your differences. You may find there’s room enough for both of you if you do.


Want To Feel More Connected in Your Relationship?

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Feel more connected to your partner, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might help you and your partner communicate better, helping you feel more understood, connected, and even loved. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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