It’s Not How You Fight; It’s How You Come Back to Each Other


It's not how you fight, it's how you come back.

All couples on the planet misunderstand each other sometimes. This is normal. After all we are in our heads and our partners are in theirs. They think their thoughts and we think ours. And sometimes we don’t read each other right and then you have a misunderstanding.

This is common among couples. Ask any couple you know and they will tell you that sometimes there are challenges understanding each other. In fact, try looking into your own life and see if you can tell me that’s not the case. I can look into my relationship and know in my bones that sometimes we just don’t read the other right or they don’t read us right.

Misunderstanding Is Just Part of Being in a Relationship

All couples argue. It can be a struggle, like the conflict symbolized by this couple arm wrestling.

So, if we can pretty much agree that these things happen, why do the misunderstandings become wars between us in which one of us sees things one way, the the other sees things another, and we then argue over who is right?

And when we argue and fuss with our partner it can get really big and turn into something else altogether. It can become a standoff where you might stop talking to each other, or you might go after each other with some very choice words.

All couples do this dance with each other. The ones who survive though are the couples that know what to do after the fight, argument, or misunderstanding is finished. This is the part where one or the other beckons to their partner in a way that they can be heard and the other person responds in a way that patches things up.

Reaching Out and Bringing Your Partner Back Can Help Mend Things

Reaching out after fighting is a big part of making a relationship last. Aspire to be like this hugging couple, who found their way back to each other in therapy.

Here is an example. One time my husband and I were walking to a restaurant with an old workmate of his. She hadn’t talked with him for a while so when the walk began, they just fell back into their old ways of laughing and communicating about people they knew and more.

I guess I got my feelings hurt because I was excluded. Now, no one did anything to me, I just felt this all on my own. These are wonderful people but for some reason I felt unhappy. So, I walked fast to the restaurant and when we got there and the woman went to the bathroom my husband said to me, “Linda, come back. Please join us.”

A part of me was thinking I got my feelings hurt and I am mad, but another part of me was hearing his kindness and his plea and I knew instinctively this is what I have to do. I began to talk with the woman and we all had a great time.

I listened to my mate because he was making sense to me. I was having a difficult time making sense to myself. You see? You work with your partner, not against them. He helped me by reminding me that I mattered and he saw me. This was enough for me to respond.

Find Your Way Back to the One You Love

It feels good returning to our partner. Can you reach out to yours, like the woman pictured here, reaching out for her husband?

I don’t know what you do in your relationship, but I want to encourage you to find your way back to the good. This is what all healthy couples have. They just use their good tools to get the relationship back on track. Figure out your way in your relationship. It will be different from mine. But it will be right for you and your mate. Do this for the good of your relationship. Do this because it is the right thing to do.


Want to Learn How to Keep Your Hearts Open?

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how to bounce back from misunderstandings by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you make your relationship even better. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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