When We Analyze Instead of Connecting


Does analyzing in your relationship help bring you back together or kick off blame games like the couple fighting here?

It’s not unusual to describe what happened after an argument occurs. Many of us do this. We think about who said what and how we responded and we explain that what was said was not helpful and we talk about what might have been better and we do this with complete confidence that we see things the way they are.

I have worked with couples where one person is excellent at detailing what went wrong and how those things could be avoided. I listen to the explanations that are extremely detailed and I think to myself, “But how does this help?”

Does Analyzing Help Bring You Together?

Ask yourself, like the curious couple pictured here, whether analyzing your fights helps bring you back together.

I think back earlier in my own relationship and remember that I too was an explainer of what went wrong. I remember talking about the mishap and discussing it, all in a monologue, no discussion or room for anyone else to talk, just me telling my partner how they screwed up and how they could avoid that behavior in the future.

This is a tactic. But I don’t think it is helpful. When there is a disagreement, or an argument or misunderstanding, no one is really the expert on what happened. In a relationship these situations are between two people and each has their own mind to discuss and figure out what went wrong. And they are never exactly the same.

Be Careful of When Analysis Becomes Blame

Make sure analysis doesn't lead into blame games, like the one being played by the couple pictured.

So when one person stands on their soapbox and announces to the other how they screwed up, this becomes a one-way relationship. One person messes up, the other person tells them about it.

This keeps people apart, and that’s the point of this article. I love people who are able to analyze, but this skill is useless when there is a gap to fill between two people. When two people separate because of a fight, what they really want is to be heard and reconnect with their partner. That’s just human nature.

Owning Our Share in Conflict Helps Bring Us Back Together

Own your part, instead of focusing on your partner, and you can be happy like the hand holding couple pictured here.

But when we stay stuck in just describing what happened and assigning blame, the separation continues. Here’s what I suggest. Own what you did. Simple, courageous and brave. If you said a harsh word, own it. If you ignored your mate, own that too. Tell the person you love that you are sorry because you did such and such.

Those are connection words which can become a habit. All of us want to be recognized when our feelings get hurt. Figure out what you might have done to hurt your partner. It doesn’t have to be tucked away in a fancy explanation, plain, simple words that explain what you did to them and how you feel bad about it is the BEST way to be honest with your mate.

Learn that your original wisdom and your natural awareness is pure and so are you. Find your strength to be straight forward. Your partner will love it, and you will feel much better.


Ready to Move Away From Blame in Your Relationship?

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how to improve communication in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help both of you feel more connected, aligned, and loved. Give it a read.

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Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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