Why We End Up Feeling Lonely in a Relationship


Man Feeling Alone in a Relationship Broods on a Jetty

I was listening to someone talk about feeling lonely in their relationship the other day and I realized that sometimes I feel the same thing. It isn’t as often as it used to be, but sometimes it’s there; that wonder if my partner really loves me, or loves me in this moment or if my mate is thinking about me even though I can’t feel it.

I think it’s common for people who are close to another to sometimes feel this. I know over the years the wonder or worry has decreased. But earlier in my relationship I often wondered if my beloved loved me when I couldn’t feel it.

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship Stems from Feeling Unloved

Feeling Alone in a Relationship Because Spouse Doesn't Show Love

And I think that’s the key. What does love feel like? How do we know we are being loved? Is it a smile or a soft touch? Does it come in words and an embrace? Is it in a meal prepared lovingly, or a load of laundry that your partner just did for you?

There is a wonderful book, “The 5 Love Languages,” by Gary Chapman that includes the various ways people feel and show love. When we know how we feel love, which according to Chapman would be one of 5 different ways, we can let our partner know what really works for us. The information is also useful to know what category you mate shows up in to know what makes him or her feel loved.

The book is very specific and it’s helpful for couples who want to know about themselves and their partners. But the book won’t prevent those times when some of us just wonder if we matter and if our beloved is thinking about us and loving us, because sometimes it’s possible for people in relationships to just not feel the love.

Differences in Expression May Blind Us to How Loved We Are

I am an expressive person and I have a lot of energy. I love to be engaged with others and feel things deeply. My partner is less so. He is more in his head and less feeling in his body. I KNOW he loves me. And yet, there are times when I hear his monotone voice and I just don’t feel very much. It feels empty.

What I can’t hear in those moments when I wonder though are his thoughts. And if I asked him at that very moment when I was looking for some sort of connection if he thinks about me and loves me he would undoubtedly say, “Of course!”

Speak Your Partner’s Love Language to Connect and Combat Feeling Lonely

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship Will Be Less of a Problem When You Speak Each Other's Language and Connect

But sometime I don’t ask. I just feel the non-connection and that can lead to feeling empty. What I’ve started doing, though, when this feeling hits is dig deeper and say something that brings a little lilt to his voice and then I feel something different from him and I know we are alright. It’s like a tuning fork making the right sound again.

And that’s really what we are all after in a relationship. We want to know that our partner is thinking about us, even when we don’t feel connected. Some of us will always need to feel a connection to feel normal. Some of us feel the connection without needing anything. The trick, is knowing what you need and what your partner needs.

No one needs to suffer. You and your partner love each other. And you are both right just the way you are. Some of us stay in our heads, and some of us just vibrate a little closer to the surface, that’s all.

More Tools to Stop Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

Read a Book About Communicating Well to Stop Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. Book by Linda Nusbaum.

Can’t make it on Monday? You can learn more about how to be strong in your relationship by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It’s full of relationship advice, including communication tips and advice for how to keep communication channels open with your partner, so you’ll both feel less lonely and more loved. Give it a shot.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It’ll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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