Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog

What a Successful Couple Looks Like

It’s not often that we get a chance to observe a successful couple in action. And when we do see one, we might not even notice it. I had the chance to be in the presence of such a couple and this is what I witnessed.

I was at a conference led by two people who have been a couple for many years. What struck me is that they clearly love each other. It was so soft and tender in certain moments, I was really amazed by it.

I started to think about what we all want in our relationships. We want to feel safe, and happy, and taken care of. I think that’s about it. But often we go about trying to get these things by telling our partner what is wrong.

All of us humans get our feelings hurt, and if we are in a relationship this might happen to us often. Someone does something and immediately we feel as if we have been wronged. This is just the way people interact with each other when they are in close quarters.

It makes you normal if this happens to you. But I bet you wish it didn’t. In fact all of us who get our feelings hurt by our partner wish it wouldn’t happen. Unfortunately if you are a couple you know it does.

I wonder if there are any relationships that are perfect, you know where no one ever gets their feelings hurt. I doubt it. I have met hundreds of couples and none of them fit into this category. I don’t. I get my feelings hurt by my favorite person.

When we are criticized by the person we love it feels like we’ve been stung. It is unforgiving and painful. Criticism from our partner can even feel like judgment, like we have done something wrong, and like we are not good enough.

So, feeling judged in a relationship is quite common. We really love our partners, but there are things about them we don’t like and we want those things to change. So, a lot of us just tell our partners what we don’t like. And when we do this, we are criticizing them.

We are probably just telling them about a behavior or an action or a misstatement or something small, but when hearing it from a mate it can feel as if it is everything. We might even start to believe that our partner doesn’t even like us, and that is the farthest thing from the truth.

Feeling alone in a relationship is quite common. Even though you are sharing your life with another person, sometimes we can be so lost in our own thoughts that we feel all by ourselves.

The funny thing is that your partner is probably right there and yet you still feel alone. This happens to a lot of couples. And when we feel alone in our relationship, more things start to happen. We might even get mad at our mate.

We might say to them, “I just don’t feel connected like I used to,” or “You never talk to me,” and “You’d rather be with your friends than be with me.”

Each one of these phrases tell the partner something. It first signals is that you are mad at them. But the real point I think you are trying to make is that you love them and want to feel more love.

All of us in relationships get our feelings hurt. I know I do. It happened again last night. I worked late and then came home. My husband had prepared dinner and had been waiting.

I felt the pressure but sometimes things can’t be helped. I had some details of my work to continue as I sat down at the table, texting and completing my duties. I was involved with tasks on my phone.

And while this was happening, something was also happening with my husband. He got very, very silent and stopped being there. He was of course sitting there eating, but I could not feel him anymore. I just left.

Many couples struggle when they hurt each other’s feelings. This is the time when both people in the relationship feel so alone. It is also the time when there is usually no way either can figure out how to get back to loving each other again.

This is very common with people who struggle when there are disagreements, misunderstandings, or even fights in their relationships. We all have to do something when we get our feelings hurt, especially if the one who is hurting our feelings is our beloved.

We are all great at being ourselves—in fact no one is better. We are our own experts at knowing what we like, don’t like, want, or don’t want. And sometimes we just need to be by ourselves to figure things out, even if we are in a relationship.

This is normal. Everyone needs his or her alone time. But what happens when one of you wants closeness and the other wants to be left alone? All of us who are in a relationship have encountered this at some time or another, and sometimes it becomes a problem.

All of us want things to go a certain way. That is the way humans are hardwired. We like this, we don’t like that. We want more of this so we can feel good and we want less of that because it makes us feel bad.

These are our wants and dislikes, or in another way to express it, the stuff we want more of are our desires. We might desire our mate to listen to us more. We might desire out partner to make more time for us. Any time we are wishing for more of something with our beloved, we are trapped in desire.

Often when people are in relationships they can’t help but see the partnership from their own perspective. We all do this in the beginning, and we ask ourselves questions. Do I like this person? Are they right for me? Am I happy? Do I love them?

Of course we come from our own mind, we don’t know them well enough to be in theirs yet. But what happens when you have been in a relationship for a while and you are still in your own mind. Well the chances are your relationship might be a push and pull.

Most of us enter into a relationship trying to do the best job we can for our mate. We are pretty capable individuals and we often apply what we think they might need, enjoy, desire and want and try to anticipate what that might be, and then produce it.

Everyone does this in the beginning. But something happens after we try and try to make things good and right. We might get frustrated that our partner doesn’t understand all of our efforts and we might even get mad and feel unappreciated at them for not seeing what we are doing for them.

Does this sound familiar? I think all of us in a relationship have been here before. So, what do we do about it? This is where we learn to do what we can and not do more than we want to do, and reveal what may seem obvious.

I'm retired.

Linda's Relationship Counseling Blog

What a Successful Couple Looks Like

How Memories Build Walls Between Us and Our Loved Ones

Feeling Judged in a Relationship? Here’s What You Should Know

Feeling Alone in a Relationship? Here’s What to Do

What Do We Do About the Distance Between Us?

How to Get Over Hurt Feelings in a Relationship

Is Needing Space in a Relationship Normal?

How Wants Can Derail Your Relationship

How to Defuse Conflict in Relationships by Grounding Your Partner

Self-Care in Relationships and Knowing Your Limits