How Memories Build Walls Between Us and Our Loved Ones

How memories build walls between us and our loved ones.

All of us humans get our feelings hurt, and if we are in a relationship this might happen to us often. Someone does something and immediately we feel as if we have been wronged. This is just the way people interact with each other when they are in close quarters.

It makes you normal if this happens to you. But I bet you wish it didn’t. In fact all of us who get our feelings hurt by our partner wish it wouldn’t happen. Unfortunately if you are a couple you know it does.

Getting Our Feelings Hurt in Relationships Is Just a Fact of Life

Memories of past injuries separate us from our partner.

I wonder if there are any relationships that are perfect, you know where no one ever gets their feelings hurt. I doubt it. I have met hundreds of couples and none of them fit into this category. I don’t. I get my feelings hurt by my favorite person.

But I accept that this is how humans operate. I try and remember that he doesn’t want me to suffer, ever, and yet sometimes when he comes across the way that he does it pierces me right to my core and I get upset.

This is the way I am wired. And I have learned some skills to understand my wiring and if I use a lot of forceful energy I find a way to repair. This is what I have learned to do to keep my relationship in check and good.

Understanding Your Partner Didn’t Mean to Hurt You Can Help You Feel Closer

Understand that your partner didn't mean to hurt you.

But here is something I just read that is really helping me understand myself even better, and maybe it will help you too. All our shields that we put up around our hearts are past memories. These are memories of past hurts and wounds that we are protecting against. Our shields are important. They keep out what doesn’t feel good to us. But they also keep us closed off from our mates.

They are what stands in the way of loving our person. I know it is not simple to lay down our protections. We may have placed them there a very long time ago. But if we could begin to see our closed hearts as something we do to ourselves because of past memories, maybe we could also learn to lay down our protections and become open and more loving.

I’m still considering the concept, but it sounds intriguing, doesn’t it? What would your relationship be like if you understood that each time you get your feelings hurt it is comprised of something that happened to you in the past? And what if you could see that in the moment when you feel hurt, that this is something happening inside of you and not to you? What would it be like knowing no one did something to you on purpose, but rather that they did something inadvertently, which hurt your feelings?

Reframe Conflict To Stay Close to Your Partner

Understanding that our partner may not have meant to hurt us can help us feel closer.

I would like to be much easier with my reactions to my special person. I know he would appreciate it too, especially when those reactions come out of the blue. And this is a lifelong journey, unwinding our way of being and learning something new.

I think these are great thoughts to chew on. And who knows, it might even take hold in me and have an impact. Maybe it could for you too.

Remove Unnecessary Walls Keeping You From Your Loved One

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how you and your partner can get around past hurts by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you work through pain without closing yourselves off to one another. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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