How Wants Can Derail Your Relationship

How Wants Can Derail Your Relationship

All of us want things to go a certain way. That is the way humans are hardwired. We like this, we don’t like that. We want more of this so we can feel good, and we want less of that because it makes us feel bad.

These are our wants and dislikes. Putting it another way: the stuff we want more of are our desires. We might desire our mate to listen to us more. We might desire out partner to make more time for us. Any time we are wishing for more of something with our beloved, so we are trapped in desire.

Fixating on Wants Leads to Disappointment

Our wants can derail our relationship, making us lose track of appreciation and trapping us in disappointment.

There is nothing wrong with having desires. All humans do. But what happens is that some of us get fixated on a particular idea attached to the desire and if it doesn’t turn out the way we want or expect then we become disappointed. Does this sound familiar?

It happens to all of us. To some it is a great problem, to others it is something they don’t even worry about. But if you are troubled by wanting things to go a certain way and then feeling great disappointment when they don’t, I have some ideas that might make this easier for you.

Appreciation Can Reconnect You with Your Partner

Mutual appreciation can set you free from being trapped in wanting.

Did you know that the opposite of desire is appreciation? That’s right. Let me guide you through this. If we are focused on one desire then that’s all our mind is able to see. We get kind of frozen in waiting for the experience to happen.

But if we are able to see how our expectations, or desires trap us somewhat, how about turning our thoughts to something else. Remember the opposite emotion of desire is appreciation.

If you take one thing you appreciate about your partner and think about this, you are changing the way you feel. And I bet there are many things you appreciate about your mate. You don’t have to say anything, just think about something you appreciate about them.

Appreciation Can Free You From the Spiral of Wanting

Appreciating each other helps you fixate less on what you don't have.

If you can do this you are accomplishing several things. First you are not setting yourself up for possible disappointment. And immediately you will feel lighter and more free. Second, when we think about our partner and what we appreciate about them and really savor what it is, we grow our heart. We become more loving and we create new neural pathways in our brain that begin to call to us more often. So the more we practice this technique the more we grow our heart and neural pathways. What we practice grows.

And when we are living in this loving place there is another benefit too. Your partner will feel it, and I bet it will be super pleasing to them. I just know it.

Need Some Help Curbing Wanting and Cultivating Appreciation in Your Relationship?

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how to better communicate your needs and appreciation in your relationship by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you better meet one another’s needs and further appreciate what you have. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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