How We Notice Our Partner’s Faults but not Our Own


how we notice partners' faults, but not our own

When we are in a relationship we can easily tell when our feelings get hurt. Since there is just another person it is quite obvious that we can pinpoint who did what to us and made us feel bad.

Then most of us try and get our partners to realize they hurt us and to stop doing the thing that caused the pain. This is very common with couples. But if you are the person who is often being told they are hurting their mate; you might begin to feel that you are not fully loved.

Pain and Conflict May Arise from Our Differences

We may notice partners' faults as a product of our differences, like this couple who are a bit dissimilar.

We are fragile in our human feelings. We expect our beloved to know us, get us, and always be good to us. Like they were in the beginning when we knew that we had found the one.

But in reality, there are two of you in the relationship. I am glad you feel loving towards another but you are not the same person. You are you, and partners are who they are: different.

So, when you spend your time looking at your mate and figuring out what they are not doing right and how your life can be better, you are using a microscope on them. You are looking for what they are not doing right to you. It’s as if they came into the relationship to piss you off.

They didn’t. They came to love you. So, one way to make sure that you are in a loving relationship is to lay down your microscope and pick up a mirror. Use that mirror on yourself.

How Can We Move From Criticism to Making Each Other Feel Safe, Happy, and Loved?

When we take our attention away from our partners' faults and direct it towards how we can make them feel safe, happy, and love, we wind up happier, like this couple.

Think about what you can change to make your beloved feel safe, happy and loved. This is the job of a mate. If you were on the receiving end of hearing all the times you pointed out how you were unhappy, what would you start to think?

Would you really believe you were safe, happy, and loved? Probably not. You might even start to believe that your partner doesn’t love you, is disappointed in you and is very unhappy.

And if you are the person being criticized, if you can’t figure out how to make them happy you might just become unhappy too.

We Can’t Change Our Partners, Only Ourselves

We can't change our partners, but we can change ourselves, as this studying woman is.

This is a tragedy for people who love each other. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with your mate. You just have to learn each other’s intricacies instead of trying to control them.

And what about your habits? Are they kind, compassionate and loving? If they are then you are probably feeling good in your relationship. If they aren’t, get out your mirror and work on it.


Communicate with Confidence in Your Relationship

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how to communicate more confidently in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you both feel closer, better understood, and more assured of one another’s feelings. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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