All of us at one time or another will feel as if we are the only person in our relationship. This is a feeling that many of us have and it is very common. But it doesn’t feel good even though lots of us feel it.
We Can Feel Alone in a Relationship Rather Abruptly
It can come upon us in a flash. We are just humming along in our relationship and then wham! Suddenly, we are struck with thinking and wondering if our partner even cares for us. We might have had a disagreement and feeling all alone and don’t know how to get back to the connection.
It can happen in many situations and I think we can all agree it “sucks.” So what can we do about it? First, and very importantly, do not frantically run around like it is the end of the world. Try and calm yourself down, and remind yourself that this state is only temporary. It doesn’t last.
I know when we are in it, it is the worst feeling in the world and we might do anything to escape it. But the first piece of advice is to say to yourself that this is only temporary and will end. That is what feelings do. If we don’t feed our feelings with our thoughts and run ourselves ragged the feeling itself will just leave.
When You Feel Alone: Don’t Panic!
So try and tell yourself you will be OK. The feeling will pass. Now the second thing you can do is an action. Yes, you can do something to bridge the gap from your loneliness back to connection with your partner.
This is a focused, deliberate behavior designed for you to get closer to your mate. You know your mate better than anyone on the planet and you know what they need to hear from you to feel loving toward you again.
In my case I know if I have misunderstood something he has said to me and I have taken it personally I probably have gotten upset with him. My way back is to say, “I am sorry I said (whatever I said).” And that my friends is all I have to do to get him back to the table.
Of course I have had to discover this over years of working on it, but there is a part of me that doesn’t want to hang out alone, feeling mad at him. I know I am suffering if I do, so I step into what I can do to make it better.
Do What You Can to Bridge the Gap, But You Still Need to Wait for Your Partner to Feel Ready
I have on occasion waited for him to do something, but there is nothing I can do about his timetable, and sometimes I have had to wait way too long and I don’t like that.
So in order to change how I feel, I make amends. It works. Figure out what you can say to get yourself back to feeling close with your partner. I know you can do this. Just think about what it is that went wrong and pulled you away, figure out if you did something or said something that might not feel good to your mate and just say you are sorry for that part. Of course it has to be said well, from the heart.
And if you do this well, that will be enough. And then you are back to connection. That’s the place of love and safety, the place all of us in relationships want to live.
Feel More Connected in Your Relationship
Read a Book About Relationships
If you’d like help feeling—and staying—connected with your partner, try reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you and your partner avoid conflict, return from it more effectively, and more deeply enjoy one another. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.