Feeling disconnected in a relationship is common in the wake of misunderstandings. One of us winds up hurt or aggravated, and when we are in pain we might end up hurting our partner too. And things may even spiral from there, leaving us feeling hurt, disconnected, and alone. So, what can we do?
When we love our partners we really love them. But when we are mad at them, we don’t love them as much. I think this is probably the most common behavior humans exhibit in every relationship they are in.
It makes sense, in a way. When we get our feelings hurt, we pull ourselves inside and hide so we can take care of our pain. I know I do. But when we do that we disconnect from everything and everyone.
How Feeling Disconnected in a Relationship Comes About When We Lose Track of the Good in Our Loved Ones
I think we can all understand how this happens. But I was reading something recently that helped me notice this situation in a different way. Often times we fall into the habit of telling our mates that they “always” do such and such and this is why we are upset. In the moment it probably feels right to say these things to them.
But when we do, we are absolutely forgetting all their good parts. You remember, the ones you fell in love with? The ones you prize because your special person has them. And it’s easy to find them when we are NOT upset with our mates, isn’t it?
So, as I write this, and I am taking this in as well, can we all learn to grow the muscle that reminds us that our partners love us, they probably didn’t mean to harm us, and that we will be OK?
We Wind Up Feeling Even More Disconnected in a Relationship When We Push Our Partner Away
You know this is all true as well. But in the moment, nothing seems more important than telling the one person who really gets us that they are pretty terrible to us. And if we can think of this when we are not mad, maybe we can see that we are hurting their feelings too.
Now, they feel bad. And all of us know what that leads to. I know if I am the one to lob criticisms, blame, or difficulty at my husband, it is up to me to find my balance—when I am not in my clouded, angry state of mind—and to then apologize to him.
That’s my approach, but it isn’t as easy as just saying, “I am sorry.” I may be sincere, but he is now in his funk and it takes a lot of words and cajoling to bring him out of his difficulty.
And then our truce is so tentative that it takes a while before we remember that we are a couple who loves each other and are good together.
Hurt Feelings Don’t Have to Lead to Feeling Disconnected in a Relationship
There is nothing wrong with you or me if we get hurt feelings. Feelings happen. We don’t plan them, nor should we be ashamed that we have them. But what all of us need to do is figure out a way to remember that our special person loves us, even when they make us mad.
It might make everything just a little easier. And yes, I am listening too. 😊
Are You Tired of Feeling Disconnected in a Relationship?
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