Accepting Our Partner Instead of Wanting to Change Them


Accepting our partner helps us feel loved in the long term.

All of us want the perfect relationship. We want our loved one to be who we want them to be and act the way we want them to act. This is just how humans are. We like what we like and we push away what we don’t like.

We Eventually Notice Little Differences

Over time, we may notice we have some differences with our partner...

But when we are in a relationship, we all go through wanting our partners to be different. I remember early in my relationship I wanted my partner to speak the way I spoke, from the feeling perspective and from a deep place.

I remember even thinking that he was not going to understand me because we spoke in different ways. My husband is full of facts and figures and analysis and logic. I am full of feelings and what those feelings tell me.

In the beginning I felt that we were very different. I still feel this way, but it is not a big deal. Being different is to be expected in a relationship. You are both very different and not the same, but that shouldn’t make you long for someone more like you.

Understanding Differences Helps Us Grow Closer

Learning about each other and how to accept our differences helps us grow together.

It’s OK to have differences. And when you can understand that differences are to be expected you might have a less difficult time. But if you do not understand this you might be having a hard time already.

When we are not understood by our partner the way we believe they should understand us, then we want them to be different. I understand this too. I remember always wishing that my guy could be different, until we were having one of those talks about getting married and he said, “You are always trying to change me, so I don’t know if you love me for who I am.”

Wow, this struck home in a deep way. He could not see that my heart truly loved him. All he could see was that I was not happy with who he was. When he said this to me, I realized that I had to stop trying to change him.

Because if I didn’t, he could not feel the love I had inside of me for him. So, I made a great effort to stop trying to get him to be different. And when we do this, we turn to something that works, we accept. That’s it, just accept the one you love for all the uniqueness that they bring by just being themselves.

Making Peace with Our Differences and Accepting Each Other Helps Us All Feel Loved

Accepting our differences can help us feel happy and loved like the couple pictured.

Now I can’t say I always like everything that my guy says and does, but at least I am not telling him he can’t say or do what he does. And if I think about it, I am sure he doesn’t approve of everything I say and do.

No, I am pretty sure that there are some things that drive him up a wall. But we accept each other for who we are. Two very different and unique people who love each other. Everything right about this equation. Everything right about your equation too. Just remember that acceptance is a great gift to offer your mate, and you probably will enjoy feeling accepted too. You might even flourish.


Get the Tools for Talking About Differences!

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how to communicate more softly, empathetically, and effectively by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help both of you communicate more kindly and effectively about your differences and help you grow towards deeper love and acceptance. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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