Every one of us does something when we are angry. All of us have some kind of behavior that accompanies feelings of being wronged. It’s just how humans are wired.
So, There’s This Couple Who Communicates Through Touch…
I was thinking about this after reading a story about a married couple. They love each other. He is deaf and nearly blind. They communicate through sign language where the husband places his hands on the wife’s. That’s how they talk. It was a beautiful story. It told how they fell in love, through communicating by holding each others hands.
The story gave rich details about their lives. It even mentioned something everyone goes through, which some people did not expect. This couple gets mad at each other too. Only when the feelings are big, they still have to connect their hands in order to tell each other what is wrong.
Could You Stay As Mad, As Long, While Connected to Your Partner?
Imagine what it would be like if when you got mad at your mate, you still had to hold hands with them. It might be a lot harder to stay angry when there is the warmth of a hand on yours. You might have a difficult time spewing harsh words at someone, or not saying anything at all, while the two of you are touching.
This image sat with me for a while and it felt lovely. Two people finding a way, even if they are angry. And then the husband spoke in the article and admitted that when he feels really mad though, he pulls his hand away.
For this couple if one pulls a hand away, there is no way to talk or hear. There is silence and isolation. What a profound feeling of being alone when you are not understood or angry at your partner. And even though this is an explicit example of this pattern, all of us go through something like this in our own way when we feel big feelings against the person we love.
Not Everyone Responds to Upset the Same Way; Some Suffer in Silence
I experienced this the other day. I was disappointed with my husband recently. I suggested something, and he didn’t bite. He brought up the issue, but when I pressed him on it he said he wasn’t interested and dismissed it. I guess I got a little upset. Then, without me noticing, he got upset—really upset. But I couldn’t see it.
He doesn’t share when his feelings get hurt. He withdraws and suffers in silence. I didn’t even know how hard it was for him until he told me what happens to him. He said it begins with not knowing what to say, and that coincides with his mind taking off in many directions. And he does all this alone.
Both the man in the story and my own husband pull away. They do it differently, but the impact on their mates—me and the woman in the story—might be similar. Both of us are left not knowing what to say to our mates or if we can even help them.
Connect with the One You Love, By Being Mindful and Kind
It’s torture for those of us cut off from the ones we love. And I am pretty sure there are a lot of us out there. I know I have to be kinder to my partner.
And maybe we are all working on this in our own relationship. How do we stay connected or reconnect after a disagreement? Because one thing I am sure of: pulling our hand away or staying frozen inside our self is not the answer.
Stop Anger From Getting Between You and Those You Love
Read a Book About Relationships
Can’t make it on Monday? Learn how to keep anger from getting between you and your loved one, by improving your communication skills. Check out Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you feel calmer and more connected in your relationship. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.