Why Is Love So Hard?

Why is love so hard?

How do we learn about love? In this world we probably see Disney movies, watch other types of stories, and just believe that someday we will love someone. But where do we actually learn about love?

Movies Don’t Present Realistic Love

Popular media sets us up for unrealistic ideas of a fairy-tale like "happily ever after" love.

In our relationships, that’s where. We fall in love with our mate and everything is perfect for a while, and then things start to change. We don’t feel as loved as we did in the beginning and we start to wonder what is wrong with our partner, or we might wonder what is wrong with us.

But this is normal too. The beginning stage is not meant to last. But how do we know what to do when things get tough? Here are some of the things I have learned about love.

Love is an emotion. Think about all your other emotions, like anger, disappointment etc. Do they last? No. Emotions don’t last, yet we have in our mind that love is supposed to always be there.

Openness and Vulnerability Help Love Feel More Real

Vulnerability helps us see each other more fully and feel more secure in our partner's love for us.

Love is a connection between people. It requires you to be physically and emotionally present. It also requires you to slow down. And when you have eye contact, well that is the most potent trigger for connection and togetherness.

But not everyone can be vulnerable and some of us hide some parts of ourselves that we don’t want to show our mate. When we pretend that we are stronger we distance ourselves from each other.

If we don’t know ourselves, then love can’t penetrate. If someone says they love us but doesn’t know our darkest side, our fears, our fragility, or shame or hostility, all they can love is what we show them. And that’s only part of ourselves.

We might then live-in fear of rejection if we show that side. And feeling unsafe is the first obstacle to love. We can’t take it in if we are so afraid that our person will find out things about us that we might not be comfortable showing anyone.

Safety and Connection Nourish Love

Persistent connection helps us feel and sustain love.

Love comes out when we share positive emotions between you and your mate. There is also a connection between you and your partner’s biochemistry and behaviors. We carry a motive to invest in each other’s well-being with mutual care.

And when we feel safe, and can be present with the one we love, the hormone oxytocin gets released when the heart is open and the mind is open. And that is some of the good stuff that couples can share.

Learn how to give love to your mate. I know we all expect to receive it, but when we become the one who loves, well the other will follow suit. And then there is what you have always wanted, the connection that you began with.

Start Feeling More Loved Today!

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Want to reduce misunderstanding in your relationship and bounce back faster from disagreements? Try reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you develop critical skills for communicating and resolving conflict, helping you fight less and feel closer to one another. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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