Why do couples fight?
It is sometimes hard to believe that after finding the person of our dreams things can go so wrong and sometimes we can end up in the worst fights of our lives.
We know we love our person, so why do we fight-till-death about things? We should be loving each other instead of fighting, but we fight at just about every turn. Why is this?
Why Do Couples Fight? Don’t They Love Each Other?
There are many reasons why couples fight. But it is almost predictable that they will. And this goes for all couples, even the ones who seem to get along perfectly. I believe the reason goes all the way back to the beginning. You remember, the time when you two fell in love.
We get mesmerized by this amazing feeling with our other. It is like nothing we have experienced before. It is wonderful—this fullness of love—and we want this feeling to last and last and last. Who wouldn’t? Every couple feels this way.
This is the part of the relationship where we sub-consciously understand, meaning our soul knows, that we have found our person. We make a leap, also sub-conscious, and assume that because we are in such love with them, they must know everything about us and will always know everything about us.
We do this, and every couple does this, because it feels so great to be loved and known so thoroughly, we just believe in some ways we will always be known by our partner. We even rest in this idea that we are finally home.
Only that beginning stage, often called the “Romance” or “Honeymoon” stage, doesn’t last forever. It usually ends in about a year and a half or two. Yup. It just ends.
Why Do Couples Fight? Conflict and Learning About Each Other
And when it ends we begin to notice things about our partner that we hadn’t noticed before, like they should have known something about us and they didn’t and it hurt our feelings. In the beginning we can brush those slights aside by telling ourselves, it’s not that important.
But more and more slights start to appear. Some people even wonder if they have made a bad choice in a mate. Well here is the news folks. After the romance stage ends, then we just settle into actually learning to understand that our partner is not us. He or she does not live in our heads and has his or her own ideas about how life should be lived. We usually don’t want this part of the relationship either. That’s why many experts call it the “Conflict” stage.
But here’s the good news. This stage is your opportunity to learn about your partner’s wants, needs and desires which might be entirely different from yours. And hopefully your partner will want to learn these things about you.
Couples Who Survive Conflict Enjoy Commitment, Despite the Occasional Bump
If you can remember that during this stage, we try on new ways of being with the one we love because if we can make it through the conflicts we get to the best stage of all: the “Commitment” stage.
And here we just know where we fit. We still might have misunderstandings and disagreements, but they don’t make us wish we were through. We both know at this state we are committed to each other and are happy we are together.
All couples go through this kind of journey and of course it is unique to each couple too. Make your journey one you want to be in, not one that happens to you and which you cast aside at the first wrong note.
Want to Fight a Little Less in Your Relationship?
Want to Know Even More About Eliminating Constant Fighting in a Relationship?
Get a little help reducing conflict in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It just might help you and your husband communicate more gently and find better ways to both word and address one another’s grievances. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.