How to Understand Your Partner’s NO

How to Understand Your Partner’s NO

All relationships include someone being disappointed at some time. There is no escaping this feeling. This happens because you and your partner are different. You may want to do something that you like and your partner will say NO.

This leads to disappointment. I have experienced this feeling so many times I could not count them. And I have had to understand some of the things about this interaction to not take the experience personally.

You and Your Partner May Have Different Interests and Comfort Zones, and That’s Okay

You and your partner are different, and may not be enthusiastic about the same things.

I know that my husband is a very special person, but when it comes to sharing all my interests, well he just doesn’t. There are many things that we join on and appreciate. And there are a lot of things he is not interested in.

I know certain parties are not for him. I know certain people and events are not for him. So, I am very selective about when I ask him to accompany me. You may experience this with your mate too. You might be energetic and interactive and like being around people and you might have coupled up with someone who is not interested in that way of being.

Your Partner Not Joining In On Some Activities Doesn’t Mean They Love You Any Less

This does not mean your mate is not interested in you. You partner is. It’s just that you and your mate have different ways of interacting and being enriched in the world. You, like me feel enlivened when we connect with people. My husband, and maybe your partner is perfectly happy being at the computer, reading, cooking, and doing solitary activities.

This is his good space. I have had to learn that he likes to do life differently than me. And I think I’ve done a pretty good job seeing and understanding this aspect of our relationship.

Excitement Can Make Us Overlook Things

Being too excited can make us forget to check in with our loved ones.

But the other day I learned something even greater. I was walking my little doggie—a white, 12-pound fluff ball—and I saw a man and his dog approach on the street. I had seen them before. He looks friendly and his pooch is a huge, goofy, enormous dog that looks like a St. Bernard. They were approaching me and my little dog named Molly.

I remembered a good interaction the last time we saw them. My Molly was curious and cautious, but the experience was OK. So, I engage the man and say hello. He and the dog start to approach and we both talked about remembering each other. His big dog is also named Molly and I remembered how sweet she was and she is also still a puppy. On this day, she was carrying a big leaf frond in her mouth. I said look at your pooch with the stick in her mouth and her owner said she likes to walk around with these sticks in her mouth.

We May Be Excited, But Our Loved Ones May Not Be, and If We Overlook That…

This was so funny and cute I was lost in the moment. But the whole time my little Molly was barking her head off and trying to get away. It didn’t matter how much I encouraged her to come closer and interact she just kept barking and resisting.

I said goodbye to the man and his dog and continued our walk. Then I realized, my little pooch had no interest in the interaction with the man and his dog. She told me that early on by continually barking, but I was lost in my own idea and fantasy that this experience would be wonderful. I thought that she, my dog, would enjoy it with me. But she didn’t enjoy it. She might have been scared, and I didn’t even notice.

Listen to Your Partner and Understand That They Still Love You Very Much, Despite Needing Space Sometimes

Even if your partner says 'no' sometimes, they still love you.

Then I thought, sometimes I do this with my husband. I am so lost in how much fun the event or experience will be that I push him to join me. I don’t see his NO. I don’t give him the space to have his own feelings about my wishes. Maybe you do this too. Maybe you are so driven with your fun and your experience you forget to give your beloved their space for their feelings. It’s as if the wonderfulness of the experience is more important.

My little dog taught me something that day, and I am pretty sure my husband will be the beneficiary.

Communicate More Freely and Feel More Connected

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Make it easier to say and hear “no,” by learning how to communicate openly and lovingly. Read Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It just might help you and your loved one feel close, connected, and loved while establishing healthy boundaries that help you both feel comfortable and safe. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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