When We Are Too Hurt To Change


Too Hurt to Change? We Can Feel Stuck After Enough Conflict

Most of us believe that when we fall in love with our special person that everything in our life will be just perfect. In fact it is for a while. But after the initial stage is over then reality sets in and things are different.

Misunderstandings Are a Natural Part of Relationships

Misunderstandings and hurt are natural over the course of relationships.

The first thing we might notice is that our partner doesn’t always understand us and sometimes makes us unhappy. This is just a natural process when two people learn more about each other.

But it doesn’t feel good, especially since before the hurts happen there was peace and love and connection. Many couples just wonder what happened to those good old days.

This stage occurs with every relationship. The question to you and your mate is what are you going to do about it? Most of us just use our old habits and try and make things work. If your habit is to blame the person who hurt you then that is what you will do to your mate.

Our Protective Habits Can Emotionally Distance Us from Loved Ones

The habits we use to protect ourselves when we feel hurt, like the woman pictured disconnecting from her husband, can distance us from our loved ones.

If you have the habit of stuffing your uncomfortable feelings and not saying anything about them then that is what you will do. And if you have to leave the situation every time you get your feelings hurt then you will continue to do that.

These are our habits that we bring into the relationship. We all have habits of protecting ourselves when we get hurt. But if we are with the person we love, then we might have to do something else or we could destroy the connection that we so desire.

When we are hurt we need understanding. Are you capable of asking your mate to listen to you about your pain? If you can present what happened to you in a way that your partner can hear you then you can begin to heal.

Your Partner’s Support Can Show You There’s Another Way

Supportive partners can help you grow into better habits for handling when you feel hurt.

I didn’t know this was possible when I connected with my husband-to-be. My old habits were to blame the person who hurt me and then stay hidden for a while until I could calm down. I used this habit all my life. I didn’t know another way. But getting mad at someone who was not trying to make me mad or hurt me was something I had to figure out, because my old habit was not working.

So I did. I learned that every time I was angry and loud, no one ever listened to me. But when I was in my vulnerability and cried about what happened to me, well my partner was there to help me. And that was the first time I ever felt such tenderness.

Exploring Vulnerability Helps Make Relationships Stronger

Vulnerability is essential to the kind of openness that makes relationships succeed.

I know your habits are important to you. They helped you survive your environment and were necessary. But this is a new day for you. You have found someone who cares deeply for you.

Find your vulnerability. You don’t have to be good at it in the beginning. But I promise you, if you use it, it will be the best journey you have ever taken. And it will secure your relationship like no other. Have courage. You deserve to have someone treat you tenderly too.


Connect with Your Partner

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how to more effectively communicate with your partner, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might help both of you feel happier, more loved, and even more connected. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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