Often when our partner does something that we don’t agree with we do something. Some of us get mad at our mate. Others try and reason with their logic. And some of us even blame them for what they are saying, doing, or thinking.
Our Childhood Responses to Conflict Show Up in Relationships
Do you fall into any of these categories? It’s easy to do, in fact if we have one of these habits we usually bring them from childhood. I know in my home when I was a child, all of us argued with each other, and sometimes we yelled our arguments.
This is a habit I grew up with. I could keep it under control in the workplace, except when I got really pushed, but when I got into a relationship with my husband to be, well that habit got used quite a bit.
It took me a long time to unwind my old habit and build something new, and that is the reason I am writing this article. If you have a habit that blames, reasons, or argues with your mate, you are living separately from your beloved.
Blaming Hurts Our Partners and Benefits No One
When we crush someone with the way we see things, we tell them that they are not good enough. We demean them by telling them this is the way we want them to think and we make them feel low inside and lose some of their self-esteem as well.
Think about this, when someone blames you for something, or argues with you or even tries to get you to understand their reasoning, you too might feel diminished. It’s hard to think that our thoughts or statements or actions are not right.
And it’s super hard if you are in a relationship with someone you love. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade by means of reason or an argument. That’s right, NO POSITIVE EFFECT!
Our Relationships Need Understanding, Not Blame
What our partners need from us is UNDERSTANDING. If we understand and show that we understand we can also love and then any difficult situation will improve.
I know it is hard to think about our old childhood habits and how we still use them. I carried mine around for forty years. But I was always alone. I had partners, but I couldn’t make anything last. Eventually we would break up in a big fight and just end things.
I didn’t know there was any other way to be in this world. But when I learned that my habits were contributing to the instability of my relationship with my husband-to-be, I got a handle of how some of what I was doing exacerbated the problems.
Understanding Helps Us Apologize, Heal, and Feel Loved
Instead of arguing with my mate because of something I didn’t like, I learned to walk away and figure out what was happening to me. After learning that I was unhappy, or felt left out, or rejected or ignored, whatever it was, I also learned how to speak (calmly) to my mate about what occurred.
And often when I spoke about my difficult feelings and why I thought they happened, I got an “I am sorry,” from him. And that made everything better. You see I didn’t get a lot of “I’m sorry,” when I was young. We just yelled at each other and went on.
I didn’t know how good it felt to be understood. But now I know. And now I give it, because it is the best medicine there is.
Connect with Your Partner
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how to more effectively communicate with your partner, by reading Linda’s book, Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might help both of you feel happier, more loved, and even more connected. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.