3 Relationship Rules to Live By

As a relationship guide, I spend a lot of time simplifying the most important elements that make a good relationship. The more I teach, the more concise it gets. And I think I have it boiled down to just three parts, three important ingredients to help your relationship thrive.

While they are few in number, the steps might be considered challenging as they require a lot of thought, patience, and trust. The thought part is you thinking about the parts and actually deciding to make yourself do the work. The patience is not expecting to get things right all at once, to be able to allow yourself to develop new positive behaviors in the time it takes. The trust is so you will believe in yourself when you doubt your progress and remind yourself that you can indeed do this.

It happens to all of us. We hold on to our thoughts and don’t say them because we are afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings. We stuff them down inside and just stay silent. We may grouse about them later with someone else, but most of the time a lot of us don’t speak up.

If this sounds like you, you are not alone. This is one of the most common themes I come across while helping people in counseling. Most people are aware they do this, and they are not sure how to change it because it’s something they have always done…put their feelings aside and take care of the other person first.

While self-soothing is an important skill to have, not every one knows how to practice it. Even so, anyone can develop it. That’s important because using self-soothing skills can not only improve your life, they can also enhance your relationship.

I was recalling a conversation I had recently with a friend who was sad about a situation in her relationship. I was feeling the depth of her suffering, her pain at not being understood or left out or feeling ignored. I wasn’t exactly sure what she was experiencing, but I did sense that she was very sad.

So many relationship challenges have a common root.

As individuals we learn a lot about how to be humans. It starts from our early days in our family. We learn how to talk and walk and feed ourselves, go to school and play with others. We are taught everywhere; parents, teachers, laws, religion, family, friends, everyone is a teacher.

We get good at interacting with life. We learn how to rely on ourselves to get our homework done, to babysit siblings or neighbors, to make our own food, to clean our rooms and to be a functioning member in a family system.

But do we learn how to be good partners?

In the beginning of our relationships it’s easy to imagine a wonderful life together. You remember this moment, when you see everything you think you will need to make you happy; house, yard, picket fence, two children, or what ever your dream was. You remember your vision. It’s the one that belongs just to you and it’s perfect.

When we meet our “right” person, all of our dreams of a wonderful life together start swirling around in our head. We think to ourselves, “Wow this is the one. I will just fit this one into my dream. Wow they fit! How amazing is that!”

One More Day

You are invited to watch the debut of a new show: Feel Better Live. It’s being hosted by Linda Nusbaum, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping couples. The first show will air tomorrow, Thursday, February 21st at 6:00pm and continue every Thursday at 6:00 from then on. It’s free and you don’t have to sign anything to be a part. All you have to do is visit the Feel Better Live Stream Page (feelbetterlive.com/watch-now/) by clicking here.

*Note, if you press play before the scheduled show you will be able to watch a promotional video.

So why should you watch? The show is designed to help people in their relationships. We all have many relationships in our lives; with our mates, with family, with children, at work. Often we run into difficulties and sometimes these challenges leave us feeling terrible. Let me help you work through your worries. Send me your questions and I will answer them live during the show. Don’t worry about identifying yourself, you can remain anonymous if you choose. You can start now by sending in your thoughts to feelbetterlive@gmail.com

I can’t wait to hear from you and have you be part of our new show. Me and my team are thrilled to be hitting the air.

See you soon!

Something New

It’s not uncommon for people to walk in a creative way and try something new. Often this can be scary and yet exhilarating. As many of you know I used to be a broadcast journalist. I covered stories across the country and globally. For many years I loved this work. As with all jobs however, sometimes they just become too routine, or they don’t feel as good as they once did.

There were many reasons why I become a therapist ten years ago, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I am very happy here, and now I am bringing back my old skills in a new way with a live weekly broadcast. Only this time it will be on the web, and it is designed not for me, but for you.

As a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in relationships I have a private practice in Long Beach, California where I work with couples and individuals. With this new live web show I can help many more people. I created this live broadcast to provide help and happiness to people in their relationships.

The format is designed to answer your questions about your issues. You will be able to email, tweet and call-in during the show. I also invite you to send me your thoughts and questions now so we can answer them when we begin taping.

I have put together a terrific team of people and we are all excited to begin.

FEEL BETTER LIVE will be coming to you in the next few weeks. Watch the link below to learn more.

Make The Coffee For Someone You Love

I was making the coffee this morning for my mate and I thought about how I have been doing this for years. I get up earlier then him and while making my tea I just make a pot of coffee for my husband. It is a routine, and it’s nice. I don’t do it because I want to earn his praise. I do it because it feels good to know he will be pleased to pour himself a cup of fresh coffee the minute he walks into the kitchen. In other words, I am doing an act of kindness for someone I love.

I guess there is some selfishness going on too, I get to know that he feels pleased with this routine and that makes me feel good. It’s a small act of kindness that I am using to illustrate how it’s possible to bring a little joy into a relationship. Most people I counsel as a Marriage and Family Therapist come in to the office to tell me why their relationship isn’t working. I hear many difficult issues that keep couples apart. I get how hard it is living with someone who does not understand you. In fact I think this is the most difficult part of being in a relationship… not being understood.

So I know it’s hard to perform an act of kindness when you are feeling so hurt and isolated from your mate. People just want to feel appreciated by their partner, in any relationship this is the hallmark. I get that you may be disappointed. I understand that you may have been mad at him or her for a long time. I can see that feeling misunderstood by your partner has kept you feeling alone. AND having said all that I have a challenge for you.

Just because you love your partner, or maybe because you used to love him or her, for what ever reason, do a selfless act of love for them. Do something that you think they will like. Do something because you can, and do it not expecting anything in return, not even a thank you. Do it because you care about your partner. Do it because you want to give your mate something intangible, you want to give them the feeling of being thought of.

And that’s really what we all crave; Are we thought of? Do we matter to the other? Are we important? We all want to feel special. Do your part to help your partner feel that way. Clean the bathroom. Fix a meal. Walk the dog. Bring home dinner. Go shopping for them. You don’t need my help thinking of what you could do to make your partner smile. Just do it. Just do it because it would give them a good feeling. That’s love.

He Won’t Talk To Me; She Won’t Stop Talking To Me. When Couples Can’t Communicate.

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was telling me about her husband and how he doesn’t really communicate with her. She says she has resigned herself to just telling him what she thinks because she says she has just grown tired of asking him to talk about difficult subjects and watching him stay mute and not say anything. It’s not a great scenario, but for the moment it works, somewhat. I believe this is a problem that many couples live with.

Understanding the Problem

As a couples specialist I like to look at what each person wants and needs in a relationship in order for me to understand what they are not getting and why it has become so difficult to communicate. The first thing I like to help couples understand is that both people want something from the other. It usually includes some mixture of the following: feeling valued, appreciated, and understood.

It doesn’t matter if you are the female, or the male or a couple of same sex. This is the core of what every person in a relationship wants to feel with their partner; valued, appreciated and understood.

Does Gender Play a Role?

I believe it does. I think as individuals we are made up of a lot of parts. Sometimes these traits can be in both sexes but generally speaking in my experience this is the breakdown.

As females most of us feel energized when we are able to talk to others about things important to us. We get ideas about solving issues and we feel heard and supported. It’s absolutely the best thing we can do for ourselves when we are having difficulty with a problem and need to find a solution. We talk to others. This is not only helpful, it’s enriching to us.

Men have wonderful skills to understand problems and issues and most of them do this inside their heads. They explode with ideas and new thoughts and problem solve faster than you can say “fix it.” This is a natural fit for most men. That’s why when most men see women crying the first thing they want to do is fix her. This is in their nature, to solve your difficulties. But ask them to mull something over, or discuss the nuances of a dilemma and you might likely find them freezing up and disengaging. That’s just easier and more comfortable.

How to Get Unstuck

So let’s say you and your partner find yourselves in this situation. You are the talker and he is the silent one, or vice versa. You have both staked out your positions and each of you is waiting for the other to do something. This is a standoff, where a lot of couples live. Someone has to make a move to become unstuck. Maybe you can agree on one thing, like you both just want to feel better. If each of you takes just one step toward helping the relationship there’s hope.

What to Do

Develop awareness that you are different than your mate. Investigate what your partner needs to feel understood. Why not just ask them? You may discover that they appreciate it when you do something particular. This is how we attune to our mate and give them what makes them feel good. Beyond anything else this is the key to a good relationship. Knowing what makes your partner happy. If both of you know this and you provide it to the other you will live a happy life. And that’s what all couples want.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Check out Linda’s website www.lindanusbaum.com

Relationships 101

As a couples specialist I know that every couple I counsel has a unique set of issues. Even so, I can say with confidence that every couple has at least one thing in common: they want to feel better in the relationship. So if two people love each other, why do they have such difficulty?

To put it simply, we don’t learn how to be in relationships when we couple, we just hope that things will work out.Couples want to be happy. They want to feel supported, understood, admired and loved. So why do the couples I counsel all say they don’t feel that? The reason has nothing to do with intent. I believe people who get together in relationships want to build something special together.

The problem is that people haven’t learned what qualities make a good relationship. Without knowing how to listen to each other, ask for what you need, or resolve disagreements without a fight, most couples knock into each other on a regular basis and get pretty bruised in the process. They end up angry and resentful, and/or disappointed and sad. It’s a terrible state to live in with someone you love.

So why does this happen? We learn a lot in our life. We learn how to be a student in school. We learn as a child how to relate to our parents. We learn how to follow rules. We learn how to exist in our world. We understand that we are entitled to a good life. We are also taught that when we meet the right person we will be happy, and everyone wants to be happy.

Here’s the problem, and it usually starts when we are young. Some of us see dysfunction in the families we grew up in and we make a vow to ourselves that we will not repeat the mistakes of our parents. We have good intentions to live better, more peacefully. But all the intentions in the world can not teach us how to be in a relationship. These are not skills you can learn in one class. No one learns new behaviors in a day. It takes time to understand how to be a good partner and it takes practice to become one.

A good place to start is by answering the following questions. How do you speak to your partner? Are you kind and loving? Are you curt and angry? Do you resent your mate and show it by rolling your eyes and shrugging your shoulders? This is the first thing to notice. This is step one in Relationship 101. Be nice to your partner, period. You may be mad about something and want something resolved with him or her. This is a different matter. The first step to being in a good relationship is treating your partner with love, and that means speaking with kindness, all the time.

Step two involves learning how to resolve difficulties before they become fights. Maybe your parents modeled good resolution skills and you do this automatically. When issues arise you speak about them with your mate. You tell your side, you listen to your partner, you discuss the matter and you come to an understanding. Unless you learned how to do this as a child growing up, you probably exhibit very different behaviors when you get upset. Maybe you yell. Maybe you get quiet and sulk. Maybe you leave the room. If you do any of these, you could benefit from learning how to resolve issues more effectively.

Step three is about asking for what you need. Something happens to us when we fall in love. There’s this little, secret place where we feel really vulnerable and we believe our partner knows us so well that they will take care of all our needs, wants and desires that are kept hidden there. Of course they will, we tell ourselves; they know us intimately, they love us, they would never do anything to hurt us. This is a wonderful belief. Many people feel this way without being aware of it. Most people don’t talk about this with their partner. But that doesn’t prevent them from believing it and expecting their mate to solve all their problems and make life wonderful.

But this is a fantasy. People, even people who love us, don’t automatically know what we need deep down inside our soul. No one will ever know this unless you tell them. This may be one of the most difficult parts of learning how to be happy in a relationship. You must learn what you need, want and desire, and you must be able to ask your partner for it. No one can read your mind, even someone who loves you.

In couples counseling I help people understand the state of their relationship. Then we begin to implement new behaviors, paving the way for something better. This is one way to improve a relationship, and isn’t that what you want, too?

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Tag Archives: happiness

3 Relationship Rules to Live By

Open Communication for Getting Your Needs Met

Self-Soothing for Healthier, Happier Relationships

The Universal Relationship Challenge: Being a Good Partner

How to Make a Relationship Last: Think Long Term

One More Day

Something New

Make The Coffee For Someone You Love

He Won’t Talk To Me; She Won’t Stop Talking To Me. When Couples Can’t Communicate.

Relationships 101