First off, no one plans to have a disagreement with the person they love. We love who we love and we want to be in harmony with them. So why is it so hard for many of us to stop fighting in a relationship? Why is it that the fights pretty much determine whether a relationship will last or not?
No two people in a relationship are the same. We find connections with our partner and yet we are wildly different from them. We are attracted to their difference and their similarities in the beginning of a relationship, but down the road we might find that the way they do things, different than we do them, might just bug us a bit.
When we fall in love we have deep feelings that what we are experiencing is amazing and unique, and unlike anything we have ever experienced before. For many of us it’s a dream come true, finally. So why doesn’t this wonderful feeling last? Why does it seem that after a while you begin to feel misunderstood by your partner? How did this shift happen? Just a little while ago you were just so close it felt like you were sharing one breath?
This is the hardest part of falling in love; the after. What happens when that intense desire and pull to be together eases a bit and other things start to creep into that magical space. It just doesn’t seem right, it shouldn’t change. It should stay just the same as it was. So what’s wrong with my partner? That’s often the first question that pops into our heads.
Other questions might include, “Why does he or she act the way they do and why are they getting on my nerves? I don’t think they love me as much as they did or they wouldn’t act this way. Maybe they are falling out of love with me. What should I do? I want to get what we shared back. How do I get it back?”
As a Marriage and Family therapist, one of the most common questions I am asked by couples is, “How do we get back to the way we were?” It would be great if there was a map for people, a set of instructions everyone could follow and then everyone could go back to their loving, magical place and never worry. Unfortunately that doesn’t happen and there is no set of instructions. There is however, a way to find something else, and maybe you might find it satisfying in another way, and it could be richer and deeper and safer for you as well.
This probably sounds like just words to you, because if you are in a difficult relationship you are already working to make it better and what you are doing may not be working, so how can you think it could be richer and deeper and satisfying if that’s not what you are experiencing. I understand, but here is what I believe.
As I work with couples I know that one way to get to a great relationship each person has to begin the journey of self; what do I think, what do I feel, what makes me happy, sad, uncomfortable, lonely, etc. This is the journey of the inner-self. All of us dabble in this from birth, but to be in a healthy relationship you have to be advanced in your own knowledge of yourself in order to be a good mate to your partner.
Understanding yourself is one of the foundational keys to building a life-long partnership. You want to build something that lasts, through life, so you and your mate can walk the journey together. That means you keep the big picture in the forefront, and you don’t let the disagreements tear you apart. There will always be misunderstandings. You live in different thoughts and minds. Get to know how your partner thinks and feels. Ask questions even if you think they are silly. All of us long to be of interest to another. Show your beloved you are interested in him or her.
Try not to take your mate for granted. Too much in life doesn’t go our way. Make a pact with your partner to make the relationship the one place where you will try to be on the same page, allowing understanding of each other and coming to a common ground. No one should be winning, both of you should feel good. That’s how you make love last.
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As a couples specialist I am sometimes humbled by the changes I see people make to improve their relationships. It’s not that I don’t believe it can happen; it’s just that more often than not couples stay locked in their differences and expect the other person in the relationship to make the changes.
I spend a lot of time listening to how wounded people are because of what the other person has done to them. I know it’s important for people to be heard because often they have exhausted themselves trying to tell their partner what is wrong and they just can’t get understanding. I do know that listening to each person tell me about their perceived pain caused by the other has value, at least someone is listening.
But sometimes couples, or individuals in a relationship, can stay so wounded they see their mate as the one who causes their suffering. They are so hurt from past injuries that they can not see anything but the harm caused to them.
When one or both people in the relationship stay bound up in their pain there is little I can do but listen. I can not help someone get awareness on how they treat their partner if they are still living in the mistreatment they believe they have suffered. Sometimes they are just so hurt they just see their mate as a monster.
It doesn’t matter how I encourage the couple to look at the possibilities of living happily with their chosen partner. It does little good to talk about the ingredients that make up a good relationship. If one or both people are suffering from unresolved wounds the couple can not move into a more neutral space. And yet sometimes, that’s exactly what happens.
Twice in the last two weeks, two couples I had been working with, that had deep difficulties and lots of pain, moved the relationship to the next level. I could sense it the moment they walked into the room. There was a decrease in stress and worry and sadness. I felt something else; a calm, an ease, tenderness.
So what happened? In both cases one or both changed how they treated the other. In one of the couples one of the partners was mad about past hurts and kept accusing the partner of repeating the behavior. Then in an instant after a disagreement this partner got some awareness about how they displayed harshness toward the other. They immediately called the partner and apologized, and that was a first. Both felt something new; a bit of closeness that they had been craving for years.
The other couple described an incident that they navigated without blowing up at each other. In the past this issue would have ended with arguing and swearing and disconnection. This time they walked delicately through the rough parts and stayed away from blaming the other. Both worried about hurting the others’ feelings. And that was a first for this couple too.
In both cases I was amazed and humbled by the beautiful changes I was able to witness. Are all their problems solved? Of course not. But what they discovered together is a new way of feeling, and those feelings felt good. The human spirit wants to feel good. Sometimes we just have to try something new to create something better. Trust that you can find your way. I know I do.
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It happens to all of us.
We hold on to our thoughts and don’t say them because we are afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings. We
stuff them down inside and just stay silent. We may grouse about them later with someone else, but most of the time
we don’t ever say what we intended to the person who we wanted to say it to.
If this sounds like you, you are not alone. This is one of the most common themes I come across while helping people in counseling. Most people are aware they do this, and they are not sure how to change it because it’s something they have always done…put their feelings away and take care of the other person first.
This isn’t a bad way to be, unless you are the person who isn’t saying what needs to be said and you are not getting what you need out of life. Then there might be some resentment building up because others are not realizing you haven’t had your say. When you find yourself in this condition for a long time you may be getting angry at the people who don’t seem to understand you. Then we have some work to do, and you can do it in three steps.
The first step in changing this dynamic is to REALIZE that you are not saying things when you feel them. I know there’s a real fear of something or you would already be speaking your mind. We will get to that later. The first step is to just become aware that you hold in your thoughts and feelings inside yourself and stay silent.
Once you can understand that you do this often we can move on. But to really get this you need to be in a situation where you don’t speak your mind and can then actually say to someone, “Wow, I thought… and I didn’t say anything.”
Once you can actually utter what it is that you aren’t doing, then we can look at what’s holding you back from doing it. It’s likely there is a fear about something. I believe it’s something from long ago in your past. You might have grown up being told that you don’t share your thoughts and feelings; maybe you had people in your life that yelled at you if you spoke your mind, or it could be that you were not taught to speak up about your needs and wants. What ever the reason, you probably got good training and now you are an expert at not speaking what you feel and think.
As an adult you might now worry how other people will react to you if you speak out. The second step is to gain an understanding of what you believe will happen if you do speak your mind. Will people leave? Will people hit? Will people yell? Think about what you are worried about. Try and imagine the worst reaction someone would make and then consider if you can handle it. If the answer is yes we move on to step three.
Next time you feel and think something, instead of stuffing it you are going to take a risk, try a new behavior and just SAY IT! You will survive the person’s reaction because you have already considered it.
That’s how we get rid of fear and make changes.
No one said it would be easy. I know it’s hard because you haven’t done it before. I also know it’s worth it. You will feel heard, perhaps for the first time, and that’s a new feeling you can’t afford not to experience.
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Feeling small. It’s a condition everyone experiences now and then. It can occur out of nowhere. Maybe you are in a conversation and someone talks about something you don’t know anything about. You might feel small. Or what about times when someone forgets to include you in something you wanted to be a part of. You might feel small here too. Feeling small, it happens. It happens to all of us.
I think what we’re really feeling though is disconnected from others, disconnected from someone, something or an event. I think it’s a feeling we get when we are alone and we don’t want to be. I also think it’s very, very common. We all feel this “small” feeling at times.
So what do you do about it? The first thing to do is recognize that it happens and then discover what happens to you. Get familiar with the feelings inside yourself and start to put words around it. Maybe it feels like isolation, maybe it feels lonely, perhaps it is sadness, and whatever it is, begin to label it. What you will be doing is learning about yourself, and your inner world. These are essential steps to describing what is going on inside yourself.
So why is it important to understand and label what’s happening inside? First it helps us identify what’s happening with us, so we just don’t feel so terrible. Second, when we understand what’s going on inside us we can explain it to others.
So why would you want to describe feelings of loneliness and sadness to anyone, because all these feelings get evoked because you are alone. You feel disconnected from other people. If you talk about the feelings, no matter what they are, you will be connecting, which is really what the soul is missing.
I know it’s hard to let people know when you feel these feelings. These are the kinds of feelings most of us were taught to keep hidden from others. Many of us were taught to just show happy feelings and hide the hard ones; discomfort, anger, frustration, fear, worry, sadness, guilt, shame. Few people are taught that these feelings are O.K. to reveal. Few people feel comfortable saying things like, “I feel angry at you right now,” or “I am full of sadness,” and “I feel guilty about that.” These are not things that come naturally, but when we can reveal them to others we get rid of the “small” feeling.
When we know what’s happening inside us, when we can identify our feelings, we can then learn how to express them to others. Usually when we are at this stage we are not yelling, we are calmly explaining what is going on with us. When others hear what’s happening inside us almost every time they will want to come closer. A person’s natural instinct is to move toward another when they are describing something vulnerable. That is what makes us human, our ability to move toward and help others.
So when you experience those times where you just feel left out or “small”, try and remember to turn toward another. It will lead you toward the connectedness we all crave.
All the couples I work with have something in common. They want a better relationship with their partner. It’s universal. We as humans want to be loved. We want to feel safe, cared for, supported and nurtured. We want the best out of life and we want it from our mate.
This is true with all relationships. Who wants a relationship filled with hurt feelings, criticism, lack of support and silence? None of the couple I work with. In fact that’s usually what they talk about when I meet them. They tell me what’s in their relationship now; fighting, sadness, aloneness, and they tell me they want that gone so they can feel the love again.
Most people think counseling is a way to remove the barriers that have crept in overtime and kept the couple from feeling connected. The counselor is supposed to remove the barriers and then the couple is happy again.
One time a client walked into the room and stated, “So this is where the magic happens.” I laughed with him and responded, “Yes it is. In fact my magic wand is right over there.” We laughed again, but the truth behind that statement echoes what most people believe; therapy will fix the problem.
What I like to help people understand is that counseling helps couples understand themselves, their relationship and each other. I’m their guide to help them in the process. I know the real success lies in couples who can say everything to their partner without fear of hurting feelings or driving them away. I know that happy couples know how to listen to their partners without taking everything personally or feeling they have to argue to the death to win an argument.
There are very few rules for a good relationship. But these guidelines are important. They sound a lot like the good book, or the Ten Commandments or any other philosophy that treats others with compassion. They are simple because if you and your mate are conscious, you will not intentionally harm the other. If you accidently hurt the other, your mate can tell you about the hurt and you can make amends immediately. You recognize that holding on to hurt feelings harms you and your mate, it keeps you disconnected. You work hard to resolve difficulties because you know that if you don’t they will build and build and you will have walls between you that leads to all the stuff you don’t want.
The recipe for a good relationship is simple. The roadmap to getting there may not be. Each person brings to a relationship his and her experiences from a lifetime of living without the partner. Included in this history is an unconscious collection of rights and wrongs. This collection is a template that people fit their lives on to. The rights and wrongs keep us safe in our world. When people find their mate there is an unconscious expectation that the mate will automatically understand the partner’s right-and-wrong template. A person might think, if he or she really loved me, they would automatically know what I needed.
Unfortunately each person brings his and her own template, and they differ. Most people don’t talk about what they need in the relationship to keep them feeling safe and loved because most people don’t even think about it. It’s unconscious. You only are aware of it when it’s not working. Something happens and you feel misunderstood. Your perfect person doesn’t know that one important thing about you. They must be heartless, or even, the wrong person. The perfect person would know, automatically, because isn’t that what love is?
These are the issues you get to explore in counseling. You become conscious of when you expect something from your partner without asking for it. You gain the confidence in yourself to be able to ask for what you need. You stop blaming your mate for not giving you what you needed when you haven’t let them know what it is. It’s simple and it can be challenging. Even so, it’s worth it.
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