Hi, this is Linda Nusbaum. It's been amazing being able to help everyone for so long, but it's time for me to retire. The site is up for archival purposes, but I've closed my practice.
Thank you.
One of the most common problems faced by couples who feel distant from each other is not knowing if they are loved by their mate. This sounds so simple yet can be the source of enormous pain and misunderstandings. Everyone wants to feel loved, so why is it sometimes so hard for people in a relationship to feel like they belong?
When we fall in love we have deep feelings that what we are experiencing is amazing and unique, and unlike anything we have ever experienced before. For many of us it’s a dream come true, finally. So why doesn’t this wonderful feeling last? Why does it seem that after a while you begin to feel misunderstood by your partner? How did this shift happen? Just a little while ago you were just so close it felt like you were sharing one breath?
This is the hardest part of falling in love; the after. What happens when that intense desire and pull to be together eases a bit and other things start to creep into that magical space. It just doesn’t seem right, it shouldn’t change. It should stay just the same as it was. So what’s wrong with my partner? That’s often the first question that pops into our heads.
Other questions might include, “Why does he or she act the way they do and why are they getting on my nerves? I don’t think they love me as much as they did or they wouldn’t act this way. Maybe they are falling out of love with me. What should I do? I want to get what we shared back. How do I get it back?”
As a Marriage and Family therapist, one of the most common questions I am asked by couples is, “How do we get back to the way we were?” It would be great if there was a map for people, a set of instructions everyone could follow and then everyone could go back to their loving, magical place and never worry. Unfortunately that doesn’t happen and there is no set of instructions. There is however, a way to find something else, and maybe you might find it satisfying in another way, and it could be richer and deeper and safer for you as well.
This probably sounds like just words to you, because if you are in a difficult relationship you are already working to make it better and what you are doing may not be working, so how can you think it could be richer and deeper and satisfying if that’s not what you are experiencing. I understand, but here is what I believe.
As I work with couples I know that one way to get to a great relationship each person has to begin the journey of self; what do I think, what do I feel, what makes me happy, sad, uncomfortable, lonely, etc. This is the journey of the inner-self. All of us dabble in this from birth, but to be in a healthy relationship you have to be advanced in your own knowledge of yourself in order to be a good mate to your partner.
Understanding yourself is one of the foundational keys to building a life-long partnership. You want to build something that lasts, through life, so you and your mate can walk the journey together. That means you keep the big picture in the forefront, and you don’t let the disagreements tear you apart. There will always be misunderstandings. You live in different thoughts and minds. Get to know how your partner thinks and feels. Ask questions even if you think they are silly. All of us long to be of interest to another. Show your beloved you are interested in him or her.
Try not to take your mate for granted. Too much in life doesn’t go our way. Make a pact with your partner to make the relationship the one place where you will try to be on the same page, allowing understanding of each other and coming to a common ground. No one should be winning, both of you should feel good. That’s how you make love last.
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You are invited to watch the debut of a new show: Feel Better Live. It’s being hosted by Linda Nusbaum, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in helping couples. The first show will air tomorrow, Thursday, February 21st at 6:00pm and continue every Thursday at 6:00 from then on. It’s free and you don’t have to sign anything to be a part. All you have to do is visit the Feel Better Live Stream Page (feelbetterlive.com/watch-now/) by clicking here.
*Note, if you press play before the scheduled show you will be able to watch a promotional video.
So why should you watch? The show is designed to help people in their relationships. We all have many relationships in our lives; with our mates, with family, with children, at work. Often we run into difficulties and sometimes these challenges leave us feeling terrible. Let me help you work through your worries. Send me your questions and I will answer them live during the show. Don’t worry about identifying yourself, you can remain anonymous if you choose. You can start now by sending in your thoughts to feelbetterlive@gmail.com
I can’t wait to hear from you and have you be part of our new show. Me and my team are thrilled to be hitting the air.
See you soon!
I often work with couples who impress upon me how they just don’t know what went wrong in their relationship. They started out so loving and happy and then they woke up somewhere down the road, years later and they just don’t have that happy feeling anymore and they don’t know why.
They tell me it’s because they may have fallen out of love for their partner. They also tell me they are not sure if they can get “it” back.
The “it” is the feeling couples experienced when they first got together, that loving, wonderful state that makes us believe we will always feel fantastic with our person.
We sign up for the relationship and believe that we will always feel this way with the person we have chosen. Only we don’t. We start to notice things about them that we don’t’ like. They start to nag us or complain, or ignore us and we don’t like that.
These are the normal patterns that set in when a couple moves beyond the first phase of bliss. It’s what we do about these differences that determine how the relationship survives.
If we have some experience in relationships we might have some communication skills to speak about our feelings with our beloved. If we are fairly young in the relationship world we might just be beginning to discover ourselves and what we want and need for happiness, so we may not know how to communicate those things yet.
Each person brings their habits from their singlehood; how they took care of themselves, how they communicated with others, how they feed themselves and clean up after themselves. These are habits people bring into a relationship that were most likely formed in their childhood. Each person in a couple brings their own set of comforts around these issues.
When we are in a blissful state of loving our partner, no one thinks about the socks left on the floor. Such a little detail would be meaningless and laughable in this state of love. But just wait a few years after one of the partners has been picking up dirty socks for the other and is so tired of doing it they will scream if they have to pick up one more dirty sock from the floor.
Then the couple comes in to counseling and tells me they just fell out of love with their mate and they don’t know why.
It is my belief as a Marriage and Family Counselor that couples have more to become good at a lot of jobs in order to have a successful relationship.
In no particular order except that they are all equally important, each person in the relationship has to become aware of their own feelings and reactions to their mate. Each person must also become an expert in their partner’s feelings and learn how to attend them. Both people in a relationship have to be conscious of how they communicate with their beloved.
If you were talking to a hurt child you would be kind, caring and compassionate. Regardless of how mad you may get at your mate, you can not throw up your anger on them. Unless you are truly with a terrible person, it’s almost always the case that what ever the perceived hurt you may have felt, it was not done intentionally.
You picked a good person. You picked the right person. Your job is to learn how to be the best mate you can be and to take care of the person you are sharing your life with as your partner will do for you. Now that is a great relationship, where no one gets blindsided.
One of the biggest issues I hear couples complain about is communication. They often tell me they “just don’t know how to communicate” with each other. I hear the desperation in their voices. I know they each have been trying to get understanding from the other person for a long time and they just haven’t been successful. Usually due to exasperation the couple comes in and informs me they just can’t communicate, and they are desperate to find help.
I know that when people categorize their issues with the word “communication”, there is likely a lot more going on then just the phrasing of words. I know that what’s missing is a very vital part of communication and one of the most basic human needs; and that’s the need to be heard.
Often times when couples begin therapy they have no problem expressing their individual points of view to me. What they have a hard time doing however, is getting their partner to actually listen to what they are saying.
When two people have been trying to get understanding from each other for a period of time without success, it’s possible they might become angry or resentful trying yet again one more time to make their point. It’s usually after years of dismissing the importance of being heard that a couple might decide to try counseling as a “last ditch effort” to fix the relationship.
And that’s when I can begin to help. It starts by giving the couple awareness. No one signs up to be mean to their partner. No one starts out being indifferent, resentful or angry toward their mate. These stances come after trying over and over to get one’s point across and failing. So the first phase of improving communication is helping each person learn how to listen.
But before anyone can develop the patience and understanding to be a good listener they must be HEARD, because that’s what has been missing in their relationship. They have not felt heard or listened to. That’s where my job begins and I provide it for each person; I listen, hear, understand, help if needed, I am available and present. This provides a release to the person expressing, and it models for the partner how to do it.
After the exercise it’s not surprising to feel a lot of tension leave the room. It’s so simple, and so important. As humans we require some basics; to feel safe, to feel loved, and to feel like we matter. When we listen to our partners, I mean really listen, we give them exactly what they need.
Be sure and watch Feel Better Live, our show about relationships, live on the web, Thursdays at 6:00PM.
As a couples specialist I am sometimes humbled by the changes I see people make to improve their relationships. It’s not that I don’t believe it can happen; it’s just that more often than not couples stay locked in their differences and expect the other person in the relationship to make the changes.
I spend a lot of time listening to how wounded people are because of what the other person has done to them. I know it’s important for people to be heard because often they have exhausted themselves trying to tell their partner what is wrong and they just can’t get understanding. I do know that listening to each person tell me about their perceived pain caused by the other has value, at least someone is listening.
But sometimes couples, or individuals in a relationship, can stay so wounded they see their mate as the one who causes their suffering. They are so hurt from past injuries that they can not see anything but the harm caused to them.
When one or both people in the relationship stay bound up in their pain there is little I can do but listen. I can not help someone get awareness on how they treat their partner if they are still living in the mistreatment they believe they have suffered. Sometimes they are just so hurt they just see their mate as a monster.
It doesn’t matter how I encourage the couple to look at the possibilities of living happily with their chosen partner. It does little good to talk about the ingredients that make up a good relationship. If one or both people are suffering from unresolved wounds the couple can not move into a more neutral space. And yet sometimes, that’s exactly what happens.
Twice in the last two weeks, two couples I had been working with, that had deep difficulties and lots of pain, moved the relationship to the next level. I could sense it the moment they walked into the room. There was a decrease in stress and worry and sadness. I felt something else; a calm, an ease, tenderness.
So what happened? In both cases one or both changed how they treated the other. In one of the couples one of the partners was mad about past hurts and kept accusing the partner of repeating the behavior. Then in an instant after a disagreement this partner got some awareness about how they displayed harshness toward the other. They immediately called the partner and apologized, and that was a first. Both felt something new; a bit of closeness that they had been craving for years.
The other couple described an incident that they navigated without blowing up at each other. In the past this issue would have ended with arguing and swearing and disconnection. This time they walked delicately through the rough parts and stayed away from blaming the other. Both worried about hurting the others’ feelings. And that was a first for this couple too.
In both cases I was amazed and humbled by the beautiful changes I was able to witness. Are all their problems solved? Of course not. But what they discovered together is a new way of feeling, and those feelings felt good. The human spirit wants to feel good. Sometimes we just have to try something new to create something better. Trust that you can find your way. I know I do.
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When couples begin counseling one of the most common difficulties I hear couples talk about has to do with communication. I often hear one or both say this, “We just don’t know how to communicate. That’s why we are here.”
Chances are people in this situation feel a lack of intimacy. If you feel empty in your relationship and when you try and get your needs met you run into resistance from your mate, you could surmise that you and your partner are having communication problems. Many couples then think if they could just learn how to “communicate” the relationship would be improved.
When I hear this I wonder if the word “communicate” is really code for he or she doesn’t listen to me, or he or she doesn’t understand me or even he or she doesn’t love me because if they did, they would do what I needed and I wouldn’t feel this way.
When people summarize their marriage or relationship strife as communication problems I know as a couples counselor that I am just scratching the surface of what is not working between the two. What I know is that it’s not just a matter of learning different words to fix the communication problem, it’s a matter of understanding what one is feeling and being able to convey it accurately so the partner can understand. I know that fixing a communication problem means getting two people on to the same page by helping the couple learn to be available for each other and that usually means helping people develop their listening skills as well.
When we grow up we learn how to do a lot of things. We learn how to listen to our parents or tune them out. We might learn how to get attention by being a helper in the house or becoming a good student to receive praise. Maybe we acted out to get noticed. What ever pattern we learned as a kid we probably still use as an adult. And why wouldn’t we. We would have no reason to change if we are not in relationship. But being with another person we are in such close contact the ways of getting ourselves noticed just might not work anymore. This is no one’s fault. Every one receives training when young and does the best they can when they couple.
But while being dutiful or acting out might have been successful strategies before we were a couple, they just don’t seem to work when we get close to another person in an adult relationship or marriage. This business of not communicating comes in when two people want to be together but they get so frustrated trying to get their needs met and they just can’t seem to understand why it’s so challenging to make themselves heard by the other person.
There is a distinct difference between being an independent person in the relationship and being part of a couple. That doesn’t mean you have to lose your identity, it just means you become aware of your partner and his or her needs as well as your own and you are conscious of this at the same time. That may sound like a lot of juggling, but trust me, that’s when a relationship gets really good. When you notice what you need, are aware of what your partner needs and everyone get’s what they need you are living in a place of peace and happiness. No more communication problems, both of you just taking care of the other, seamlessly. Now that’s true communication.
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It happens to all of us.
We hold on to our thoughts and don’t say them because we are afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings. We
stuff them down inside and just stay silent. We may grouse about them later with someone else, but most of the time
we don’t ever say what we intended to the person who we wanted to say it to.
If this sounds like you, you are not alone. This is one of the most common themes I come across while helping people in counseling. Most people are aware they do this, and they are not sure how to change it because it’s something they have always done…put their feelings away and take care of the other person first.
This isn’t a bad way to be, unless you are the person who isn’t saying what needs to be said and you are not getting what you need out of life. Then there might be some resentment building up because others are not realizing you haven’t had your say. When you find yourself in this condition for a long time you may be getting angry at the people who don’t seem to understand you. Then we have some work to do, and you can do it in three steps.
The first step in changing this dynamic is to REALIZE that you are not saying things when you feel them. I know there’s a real fear of something or you would already be speaking your mind. We will get to that later. The first step is to just become aware that you hold in your thoughts and feelings inside yourself and stay silent.
Once you can understand that you do this often we can move on. But to really get this you need to be in a situation where you don’t speak your mind and can then actually say to someone, “Wow, I thought… and I didn’t say anything.”
Once you can actually utter what it is that you aren’t doing, then we can look at what’s holding you back from doing it. It’s likely there is a fear about something. I believe it’s something from long ago in your past. You might have grown up being told that you don’t share your thoughts and feelings; maybe you had people in your life that yelled at you if you spoke your mind, or it could be that you were not taught to speak up about your needs and wants. What ever the reason, you probably got good training and now you are an expert at not speaking what you feel and think.
As an adult you might now worry how other people will react to you if you speak out. The second step is to gain an understanding of what you believe will happen if you do speak your mind. Will people leave? Will people hit? Will people yell? Think about what you are worried about. Try and imagine the worst reaction someone would make and then consider if you can handle it. If the answer is yes we move on to step three.
Next time you feel and think something, instead of stuffing it you are going to take a risk, try a new behavior and just SAY IT! You will survive the person’s reaction because you have already considered it.
That’s how we get rid of fear and make changes.
No one said it would be easy. I know it’s hard because you haven’t done it before. I also know it’s worth it. You will feel heard, perhaps for the first time, and that’s a new feeling you can’t afford not to experience.
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