Sometimes I Just Don’t Feel Loved by my Mate


One of the most common problems faced by couples who feel distant from each other is not knowing if they are loved by their mate. This sounds so simple yet can be the source of enormous pain and misunderstandings. Everyone wants to feel loved, so why is it sometimes so hard for people in a relationship to feel like they belong?

As a Marriage and Family Therapist I help couples work toward solving their issues so they can feel more connected to each other. What I see over and over again are two people who often get mad at each other because they feel unloved by their partner. I know it’s hard to love our mate when they are angry with us, or are disconnected from us and won’t talk to us, but even when they are that way, do you still know that you are loved by them?

You might say no. If he or she loved me they wouldn’t treat me that way you might be saying to yourself. Unfortunately that’s not the truth. Most people who exhibit some of these behaviors with their mate don’t do it because they don’t love them. They do it because they are misunderstood or upset or feel unloved. No one says silently, “I am going to act in a way that will make my partner feel unloved.” Most couples who behave angrily or sullen towards their mate do so because they want something from the other person. They want to FEEL love. They just go about it in a way that is not getting them what they want.

One of the keys in a good relationship is to always carry the knowledge that even in bad times my beloved loves me. Even when there are terrible words being said, or doors being slammed, my partner still loves me. I know this is one of the hardest things to do, to keep in our minds that even though our partner is breathing fire they still love us. I know it’s hard when we are the one who is being blamed for something or ignored by someone. If we could just remind ourselves that the one we have chosen to spend our lives with LOVES us, even when they are not acting very loving.

Life can be hard. Knowing that you have a loving mate can make the going easier. Never doubting that he or she loves us completely is the way to feel that love. It takes awareness that we as humans can hold more than one thought about our mate. I love him and he gets mad at me. I love her and she can ignore me.

See our beloved as more than one thing. She is a loving woman and she has a bad temper. He is a loving man and he isolates when he feels upset. Keep your loving feelings available to you, even when it gets rough. You will feel better in your relationship if you do.

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