Do You Pull Things Apart or Put Things Together?


Do You Pull Things Apart or Put Things Together?

Most of us in our lives do both, we pull things apart and we put things back together again. This is also the way of relationships. Sometimes we have such hurt feelings we have to separate from our mate. And then other times we feel the loneliness of that separation and want to be together again, so we make our way to our partner.

Taking Space from a Loved One is Common

Couples like this find themselves withdrawing after bad things happen.

There is nothing uncommon about the actions described above, but if we want to have a smoothness in our relationships, we might want to look at what we do to separate, and what we do when we want to rejoin.

Because when we know our actions and can look at the effects they have on our partners, then we can evaluate if they are working or if we want to do something different. This is about growing our awareness and using it to benefit the relationship.

The Pain of Disconnection Becomes Greater Than Our Initial Injury

Withdrawing from a loved one can leave us feeling lonely, like this sad woman.

It is very common to want to separate from the one we love when we are hurt. It is natural to shield ourselves from the one we love if they hurt us. I know I have done this behavior for most of my life. Only in the last decade or so have I learned something better.

Here’s what it taught me. When I was sitting alone, after I separated from my partner, I started to feel disconnected. It is only when I felt the disconnection more than the pain of what someone caused was I able to act. I felt lonely. I wanted to be back in connection with my mate. Nothing else was on my heart.

I guess the balance just shifted and that helped me try and find my way back to connection. We all have the impulse to separate, and we all have the impulse to join. We suffer when we separate, we suffer less when we join and we might even have the chance to feel better.

Finding Your Way Back to Your Partner Helps You Heal

Coming back together helps you heal.

This is a beautiful habit to build on. I am not an expert on it, not yet. I still separate when I get hurt, but I am so quick at finding my way back, not too much time elapses. Of course, I have been working on it for years. And now it is my new habit. And that is something I want for you.

Find your way back from your separation. It will be uniquely your way, not mine. But it should accomplish the same goal. You will feel better, and so will your mate. And here’s an added benefit. When we rejoin with our beloved, we actually have the chance to heal our pain. And healing is what everyone who gets hurt is really after.


Learn How to Put Things Together Better in Your Relationship

Read a Book About Relationships

'Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship.' A book by Linda Nusbaum.

Learn how to communicate more confidently in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you both feel closer, better understood, and more assured of one another’s feelings. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.

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