Name calling in a relationship can make us feel hurt, insecure, and distant in a relationship. Learn about where name calling comes from and what we can do about it.

A lot of us in relationships try and get what we want to make ourselves feel comfortable. Sometimes our mates do things that make us uncomfortable and then we tell them what we like and don’t like. This is very common.

But when we get into difficulty with our partner and they don’t do what we like, we might fall into a pattern of telling that they are lazy, stupid, mean, unkind and more. We might start to label them. And this labeling can have a devastating effect.

Name Calling in a Relationship Comes From Frustration

I received a call from someone I know who was very sad because her husband was calling her all kinds of names. He is older than her and feels he knows better than her, so he tells her she is immature and stupid, because he doesn’t like what she does.

I understand the husband. He is probably frustrated with his partner who he sees as not listening to him and maybe ignoring what he is saying about her behavior. I get that people feel uncomfortable when they don’t feel listened to. But I also understand what name calling in our relationship does to our mates and how that makes them feel.

Name Calling in Relationships Harms Our Partner and Our Connection

For the wife, she is probably having her self esteem diminished and she might be feeling really low and unloved. Think about it, if you are constantly criticized, don’t you think those criticisms will find a place to land and you might even begin to think that some of them actually have some merit.

That is the danger of labeling the person we love. When we get into the habit of calling them names, we start to believe they are what we label them and that puts a wedge between two people who started out very different.

Discomfort and Differences Are Natural, and Don’t Have to End in Name-Calling

It is common in relationships to feel uncomfortable. After all you and your partner are two different individuals who grew up with different families and most likely perceive the world from your own unique perspectives. It is very unlikely you will ever see the same thing exactly.

Sure, you will agree on things, but how you process and interpret life will always be different. You can probably see this when you each tell a story. One of you might be into facts and figures and the other is probably a detailed story teller.

We’re At Our Best in Accepting Our Differences

That’s the beauty of being with another. We compliment the other. We don’t share the same ways. Find a way to understand your partner, even if they drive you crazy. Try and think about what it feels like when you call them names or label them. You know they feel the way you would if that happened to you.

Try and understand that they deserve to be treated with kindness, the way you might want to be treated. Be the bold one and offer them the kindness that is naturally inside of you. It is always there, even when you are upset. As humans we just have to remember that we all have a beautiful part, the part that loves. Can we remember that we love our mate, even when upset?

Develop Compassion in Your Relationship

Read a Book About Relationships

Learn how to communicate more softly and effectively and without name-calling in your relationship, by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you communicate more gently, peacefully, and in ways that help you feel more connected and understood. Give it a read.

Get Couples Counseling

Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.