Sometimes we get so mad at the person we are in a relationship with that the only thing that can come out of our mouths is the worst thing we can ever say to another human. This happens when we are terribly wounded, they just can’t see that we are in pain, and they are not understanding us. We feel it’s so important that they just understand us, that we have to crush them with all our might.
Yeah, I have been there. It is never nice. It is always the worst thing we can do to people we love. And it is so hard to take back all the terrible things that we have said too. It is so hard to make things right again.
I know this as well. In my past I have destroyed many friendships and relationships with my anger and my crushing. I have even sworn at my mother. Yeah. I did that.
We Feel Bad After Swearing at Others, Beyond the Heat of the Moment
I spent a lot of years in my later life loving her, so please don’t think too badly of me. But I can not forget the hate I spewed when I got upset and she couldn’t listen to me.
If you get into a misunderstanding with your mate and you resort to swearing at him or her and saying the worst things you can imagine saying, I understand. And I sympathize with you because I know it hurts you too.
When we crush our person with our words, we feel bad even after the intense feelings fade. We feel so bad about what we said to the person we are in relationship with. This is very common too. And that’s what I want to talk with you about.
After Hurting Our Partner, We’re Responsible for Mending Things
If you didn’t have great human qualities, you wouldn’t feel anything when you swore at your partner. But because you do, then I know you can change.
The feelings about feeling bad, because you said things you shouldn’t have said, are evoking some of your better human instincts. You love your person. You just have a habit of saying things that are hurtful.
So, here is where we start. When you feel bad about what you have said, you can do something about it. Because your intense feelings have eased, you are now feeling your softer feelings of hurting the one you love. And that’s the best part.
You love your partner. Remember that when you feel bad. You want to get connected to them again. I hope you don’t want to hold on to your anger at them because that will keep you isolated from them and out of the connection you are craving.
So, when you start to feel bad, create a way for you to remember what you said when you were unhappy. Think about how you feel now. Can you understand that they are two different places? You are probably feeling regretful that you said those things too.
Begin Mending Things with A Real Apology
Now take the next step and tell your partner that you are sorry for what you said. That’s it, you don’t have to apologize for being a person or for past acts, you just have to sincerely tell them you are sorry you said those words.
This might not bring your partner back to you in that moment, but I guarantee you they will hear your remorse. And that goes a really long way. Look, it took you and your partner a while to get to this place, give yourself some time to turn it around. But I want to encourage you. If you say you are sorry every time from the truest place inside of you, your partner will start to soften, and that could lead both of you to someplace great.
Develop Compassion in Your Relationship
Read a Book About Relationships
Learn how to communicate more softly and effectively before things come to swearing, by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It might just help you communicate more gently, peacefully, and in ways that help you feel more connected and understood. Give it a read.
Get Couples Counseling
Come in for couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your loved one get the most out of your relationship. It'll equip you with coping strategies and tools for communication that can help you argue less and love more.