“My husband lied to me.” You’re hurt. You’re upset. You might be wondering why he lied. And you’re probably wondering what to do about it.
When we love, we love deeply. In that deep love there is an unwritten feeling of truth. We love and we trust. But what happens when the person we love is hiding things from us and we find out, sometimes years later?
I have worked with and I have known personally people who have suffered at the hands of their partners, and all of them did not know something was going on.
These circumstances are probably not that uncommon. But the effects of believing one thing and then finding out your relationship contained something entirely different can be a devastating blow.
How Lies in Relationships Happen, and How They Leave Us Feeling
Sometimes hidden things get revealed: money squandered, secret affairs, or perhaps even children. Finding out can really shake the confidence of the one discovering them.
We all like surety in our relationships. Regularity and dependability make us comfortable. Things like our partner always being there and predictable. Sometimes, when we are comfortable, we actually don’t even bother to look to see if something is out of place.
That’s not to say it is OK to lie and hide things from your partner. It’s just that those situations can lead to us overlooking uncomfortable feelings or ideas along the way, preventing us from really digging in. We may even see them, but rationalize them away.
This is common too. We all want things to work out well. We don’t want to see or face something that might tear down the house.
If My Husband Lied to Me, Can Our Relationship Survive?
But when things are revealed, what should be the outcome? Can couples come back from lies and untruths? Can couples rebuild something that becomes solid and unbreakable?
I believe it is possible. I also know it is very hard. Both people should be in their own counseling to figure out what happened to them. The one who lied probably began this habit as a young person and is just practiced at not telling the truth or omitting the things that might hurt their partner. This is a habit of being that must be examined and altered.
No one wants to get half-truths. We want to learn to have enough courage to say what needs to be said, without shutting down first because the other would get upset.
How Do We Move Forward After My Husband Lied to Me?
This is healthy. Telling the truth. It makes for honesty between two people and there is richness and togetherness as a result.
The one who finds out about the lies needs some examination too. I know all the secrets have come as a blow, but you need your own space to grieve what happened to you and to figure out whether you gave your partner the space they needed to do the things they did.
Even if they were the best liars on the planet, you still could examine what you said to yourself when something didn’t sit right. In this way, you were too accepting. I want you to learn some skills for questioning your beloved, not as an interrogator, but as someone who has a right to know.
These are skills we learn. It is my hope that learning them will reveal some deeper parts that will make adopting these skills easier for each of you. Hardships come in all shapes and sizes. Don’t let yours stop you from enjoying a full life. That is my wish for you.
Some Things to Consider If Your Husband Lied to You…
Want to Know Even More About Eliminating Constant Fighting in a Relationship?
Get a little help with communicating, by reading Linda’s book Safe. Happy. Loved. Simple Skills for Your Relationship. It just might help you and your husband change how you talk about things, perhaps letting you feel more confident voicing your concern about things being hidden from you, or feeling more open about communicating the truth in a clear and sensitive way. Give it a read.
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