Where Our Heart and Mind Take Us in Love


Where Our Heart and Mind Take Us in Love

I read an expression recently. It said, “We fall in love with our heart, we fall out of love with our head.” When I think about this I know it makes a lot of sense.

I have this friend who is sad that her marriage is ending. She still loves her mate, and she is feeling what her love is creating from her heart. She thinks about the good things that they shared, before things got bad and drove them to divorce.

We Come Up with Narratives After We’re Hurt

After we've been hurt by a loved one, we hold onto a narrative about why it happened.

She believes that if they try again they could make it, and make it better and then both of them will become happy. This is what she wants, another try with the one she loves.

But her soon to be ex is thinking about how he was hurt and what she did to him and how it was pretty much her fault. These ideas do not originate in the heart. These thoughts about her partner come from the head that is trying to explain why he is in such pain.

All of us do this. It is very human and common. When we get hurt, especially by the one we love, then we think about what they did to us. These thoughts help us evaluate the difficulty that lives in us. We might rationalize and say, “I don’t think they meant to hurt me.” Or we could decide, “My partner is evil and I have to leave.”

We Instinctively React to Pain in Ways That May Not Help Us

We react to pain in ways that aren't helpful, often withdrawing like this woman.

Hurt and pain makes us react in all kinds of ways. I know early on in my relationship when I would get my feelings hurt I couldn’t think of anything to do but run away. Really, I wanted to run away. I didn’t though because we were living together. But the feeling inside made me think that if I got far away from the one who caused me pain I would be OK.

That was my tendency: to flee. I would take my dog out for a walk in the neighborhood and just wish I could be anywhere else. But I couldn’t, or wouldn’t and I would return home and try and carry on.

Opening Up to Love After Feeling Hurt Takes Work, But It Can Be Worth It

Trying to protect ourselves can pain can prevent us from being open to love, the way this woman is.

It took a lot of internal work to relax when I got hurt and tell myself that he is not doing this on purpose. It might take this kind of work for many of us. That’s OK, but if you don’t do the work, then you will use your head to build a case against your beloved, and that case will turn into a wall that keeps your heart protected and unengaged.

It is sad for me when two people who have loved each other split up. I know they have used everything they can think of to make it work. But I live in a world where I help couples try and find their way back to each other.

Renember Your Love for Your Partner

Cut down on feeling unwanted in a relationship by getting better at remembering why you love each other and why you're together.

They have to remember with their hearts—to remember that they love their mate and there is still love there. It might take some healing to get through to that protected heart, and that’s OK too.

Because when we have laid down our wall and our protection then we are all heart, and that’s where our love lives. And you know this too.

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